family holiday memories- vol.2: don't let the bed bugs bite

some say i have an unfounded and unreasonable fear of bed bugs. every time i travel to a hotel my skin crawls and i pray that i don't get attacked. i talk about them, i think about them, and anyone who has tried to travel with me knows that i'm obsessed, and terrified of the possibility of bed bugs.

just the other day, as a matter of fact, barry was telling me that i was ridiculous. did i even know anyone who had seen bed bugs? when i booked a hotel with ginger for our trip to barcelona, i think she heard me say bed bugs so many times she was ready to exterminate me. (i had to google each hotel with the term "bed bugs" before it could become an option....)

bed bugs: they crawl out of little hiding places, bite you and suck your blood while you're sleeping, lay eggs in your clothes, climb in your suitcase and come home with you. this sounds like the most terrifying thing i can imagine.

i also have a terrible fear of things being in my hair, so i think that's why bugs bother me so much. i have a lot of hair. once, while cheerleading for a football game, i felt like a rock hit me in the head. i didn't think much of it. after i jumped around and cartwheeled for 4 hours i realized that it was not a rock that had hit me, it was bird shit. i'd been cheerleading with bird shit in my hair for 4 hours. i've always thought that animals could live in there without me knowing. i was that kid wearing a shower cap and getting checked at the nurse every 16 seconds during a lice scare at grammar school. anyway, i'm sure you can understand my dismay.

i still can't believe what i'm about tell you.

my parents and i went down to cape may for the night to look at a place for my wedding. we decided to stay the night and booked a room at a place down there-- a place that my parents had stayed at many times before.

as any normal family does, we were watching waiting to exhale. i did not get to see the end of this movie. my dad switched the lights out. i was on one side on the room in my bed, my parents in the other.

two minutes later, my dad gets up to go to the bathroom. he turns one of the lights on, looks over, and says to me, "boo boo, what's that on the wall behind you?"

i turn around, and realize in a split second that my worst nightmare has come to life. up above the permanently mounted headboard, two bed bugs are glaring at me with their fangs out, ready to climb down onto the bed, thirsty for my blood. they are for certain- bed bugs- i know this immediately without a doubt in my mind as i'm well-educated on the subject as-is any fearful bed bug neurotic. i jump out of the bed like my ass is literally, on fire, rip off my pajamas and proceed to do what my mother now describes as the bed bug dance, the funniest thing she claims to have ever seen. if you are me, and your worst fear has just come to fruition, and you think bed bugs might be crawling on you, you would do this dance too. i'm sure you can imagine what this dance would look like.

i throw a cup at my dad to capture the bugs and start screaming, "get your shit, get your shit!" while doing the bed bug dance and frantically grabbing my thankfully still zipped and far away from the bed duffel bad, waiting for my parents to realize the severity of the situation.

"get your shit you crazy bitches! we're under attack, get your shit!"

my mom says, "come on, are you sure that's a bed bug?"

i call my trusty brother, patrick, while doing the bed bug dance and unlocking the door, and scream, "patrick, text me a picture of a bedbug!" he complies.

the text arrives.

my mother looks at it and proceeds to do the bed bug dance and starts packing her shit. before you know it, i'm out the door without a shirt on, my mother is nervously and hysterically laughing yelling, "oh my god it's really a bed bug!" and even my generally un-phased dad has an extra skip in his step.

i don't think i've ever been so freaked out in all my life.

i ran downstairs into the office and said, SIR, you have bed bugs in this place! handing him the cup of bugs while my parents were coming down the stairs to join me. the man produced his seemingly well-rehearsed speech, " we have people stay here all the time and have never heard of this, at the risk of sounding rude, is it possible that you brought them with you?" as i was halfway over the desk with my hands in choking position, my dad came in, hauled me out of the door kicking and screaming, and got a refund.

then we got in our blue jeep and drove 90 miles an hour the whole way home like we were fleeing assassins.

oh wait... after we captured the bugs in a cup, i took a picture as proof because i KNEW my friends would never believe me-- i understand that it's like the boy who cried wolf.... and here is that picture... the picture of the bed bug we found last night on the wall:

yes, i know. it's horrible.

thank GOD these bed bugs were so blood thirsty they came out immediately after the lights went out.

thank GOD for my dad's go-go- gadget vision and peanut bladder.
... otherwise we could have been eaten alive and i could have bed bug eggs in my hair right now.

we arrived home, washed everything we had in the room in scalding hot water, and showered as though we were removing the plague from our bodies. fortunately, we are all bite-free and feel that we narrowly escaped that way. had my dad not needed to go pee pees, we might have all snuggled into our beds and became dinner.
--

i'm now, officially, a completely neurotic nut job. the good news is, i'm not going to let this horrible experience hinder me from traveling.

i'm just going to sleep with the lights on, in a ski mask, and a complete plastic suit with socks and gloves.

as i've gained some perspective after having met my greatest fear, i'd like to say that i love you all.