take 2 teaspoons of...poo

i'm the worst nurse in the history of the world.

on thursday, barry had "lunch" at 2pm with some vendors.

then a man came into the house at 1am. he was a man i've never seen before. he was not barry, he was the world's drunkest man who sort of looked like barry. he was in a state of utter disgrace. apparently, lunch consisted of 2000 pints of guinness. he walked into the refrigerator and bounced off, landing on the floor in the kitchen where he decided to take a nap. he fell out of bed. he sat indian style on the bathroom floor telling me he was 2 years old. i desperately missed my normally sober and quite sensible boyfriend. where was he?

i had no sympathy for this man who was rolling around on the floor like he had no limbs. this man who was speaking in words that had no consonants. i was angry with him for being such a degenerate. but i tried to remember the times when i've been like this, and thought of the people who've taken care of me.

i wondered why i was such a heartless, wretched, unforgiving bitch and tried to conjure up some kindness to care for this vat of human guinness.

"come here you drunken moron."

i helped this pile of uncoordinated mush into bed. i took his shoes off. i gave him advil and grabbed a large bottle of water. we had purchased a 6-pack of this bottled water and when we tried it, it tasted really bad. it was water with a very funny taste, and it was still sitting in the corner. but whatever, he was drunk and wouldn't notice, so i forced him to drink it.

"you'll feel better if you drink this water, barr... now be a good little drunk and drink as much as you can."

and today, this water got recalled because of fecal contamination. yes, the water i forced my sick, helpless drunk to drink contained shit. you'd think spring water from ireland would be the freshest, purest water available. but not Comeragh "Shit" Springs.

i love this quote. "The results confirmed no threat to human health. However, as the quality did not meet the high standards required, the product has not been reintroduced
..." oh, you mean the high standards that require your water to not contain shit? a little bit of shit won't hurt! but geez are we lucky this company has such high standards! (if you like, you can read the rest of the shit recall article here.)

i don't need to have this water analyzed to know the truth. i'm 100% certain it contains shit. it tasted... like shit. and i'm the worst caretaker ever.

my poor honey has been complaining of a sore throat and general sickness since thursday. is he actually sick, or is he shit contaminated?

i'm sorry barry. i'm sorry for forcing you to drink poo.
i hope you can forgive me.