deidre's blog

my, how far i've come...

2010-02-26T03:56:00.001-08:00

My last post about Supervalu has ignited my supermarket memories… and I think it’s time for a story about my first boyfriend. Ready?

C.J. Specklepecker was my first boyfriend. (His real name, although quite similar, has been disguised because this, of course, is a completely fictitious story… Special thanks to Jillian for helping me come up with this crafty code name.)

I first spotted him after I noticed my shoulder, roofed with a cold cut, and then looked in the direction of the evil cackle. There he was, throwing olive loaf from behind the deli counter, pelting me as I loaded Scones in the Irish Foods aisle. There he stood, mouth agape with devilish laughter, in all his redheaded glory.

We spent weeks in the smoke break room drinking .35 cent French Vanilla coffee from the vending machine. He flirted with me, while I listened, as disinterestedly as possible, hiding my heated infatuation as best as I could.

At 17, I had already figured out that boys want what they can’t have. He had a girlfriend, but he didn’t have me. I knew there was a connection between us. Plus, who wouldn’t want me? I mean, how can you not be attracted to a girl in black pants, a white button-down and supermarket vest complete with name tag.

Since every relationship is a learning experience, here is what I learned from C.J. Specklepecker.

1. Everyone should date a redneck once. High entertainment value.

2. Montecarlos are the best, cheesiest car ever (the old, old model ones)

3. Having a goal or two in life is actually quite important.

4. It is possible for someone to pee their entire name, first, middle, and last. And with a last name like Specklepecker, this was quite impressive. He peed mine once too… how romantic!

5. And finally, if I stalk someone, I may actually get caught.

A few weeks after the olive loaf episode, and supermarket-vest-deep into my infatuation with the owner of said ammunition, I looked him up in the phone book. I picked my friend, Lauren, up that evening and threw a bandanna and a ski mask in her lap. “We’re going stalking,” I said. I wore a denim train conductors hat, and I drove with the heated insanity that only someone in supermarket-love could.

Stalking was a semi-regular occasion for us, and we always made our rounds, seeing what all the boys were doing, but this one was of especially dire importance. It was also the first time disguises were utilized and the safety of the car was deserted. Most of the stalking had been driving by a house or maybe, if we were especially daring, a 7-11 or a bowling alley.

My car hit the side of the trash can as I pulled up a few houses down the street from his. I was loony with anticipation. We hopped out of the car, made our way into the shelter of the shrubbery, and peered in the window. There he was, wearing a big black Adidas t-shirt, sitting on the couch with the girlfriend. My stomach jumped. I got nervous that I might jump through the window and strangle her, so I gestured urgently for Lauren to head back to the car.

Just then, he got up and brought the garbage outside. We froze amidst the shrubbery. He looked around. Then he put the bags in the cans. We were terrified we might be caught, but then he stuck his hand down his pants and did the man belly/junk rub while letting out a large belch. We knew we were safe.

About 20 feet away from him, being scratched by an evergreen, I realized that this was the beginning of something beautiful.

After I had made dear C.J. my very own, we spent eight beautiful weeks making out on the hood of his Montecarlo before I went away to college. Sadly, our love only had the longevity of the olive loaf that had begun it.

I never knew love like this before, and I never knew if I’d find it again. I mean, I was so lucky. A man who could pee my name? A man who bought me French Vanilla vending-machine coffee! A man who worked at a deli counter and drove a Montecarlo! And just imagine, had our love thrived, my name could have been Deidre Specklepecker.

Who knew that true love doesn’t involve urinary love notes? Thank goodness I found my Barry.

--
Ok girls... I want to hear first-boyfriend stories.

why can't you count the haddock fillets?

2010-02-15T04:58:00.001-08:00

yes, supervalu does occasionally do funny things like let bulls run around inside their stores, but other than that, they piss me off tremendously.

maybe it's because i'm a supermarketeers daughter and was given a good understanding of freshness, proper pricing, and quality at a young age. by age 4 i was eagerly equipped to use "unit price" to determine which product was the best value. i knew how to choose the ripe melons, learned to twist the eggs inside their container to make sure they weren't broken, and i learned that if you grab the perishables from the back of the shelf, you get a fresher product. not neuroscience... but apparently, these things are too difficult for some to understand.

i worked in a supermarket for summers during high school and college, ensuring end displays had proper signage, inventory was accurately tracked, and prices were properly displayed. i also ensured that the boys who worked at the deli counter... the fish counter... and the non-foods section, had dates on weekends and and workday flirtation to inspire their craft. (i.e. fish filleting, salami slicing, and mascara stocking.)

i have always loved supermarkets. they make me happy. i love food. the variety. the colors. the new items! the availability. the sales. my mom tells me that when i was 3, i took a kielbasa from the shopping cart and gnawed the whole thing through the plastic while she was waiting at the bakery counter for some bread. and you know something? i'd do it again! (if i ate kielbasa.) it's all just too exciting.

i love supermarkets so much that sometimes, i dream that i run around the aisles and kiss everyone i see.

i, however, am not kissing anybody in supervalu. supervalu is my worst nightmare. deidre, you say, i'm sure it's not so bad... it's not like you're in a third world country, to which i say, that's true, but in a third world country, i would know what to expect: pee pee water and flies laying eggs in my food. in ireland, supervalu has commercials where they tell me they have the biggest buying power and the freshest, highest quality food. they taunt me with their pictures of fresh tomatoes, plums, and avocados... they mock me with their images of delivery trucks unloading fresh food, all set to catchy music. others may fall for this trickery, but not me! not me, i say!

i won't get into why i have such disdain for them. let's just say moldy bread, rotten buffalo mozzarella, nasty-ass produce (and if you know me at all, you know how i feel about produce), prices not ringing up properly, and a rocket shortage during my addiction period are a few of the reasons.

but this..... this, my friends, is the deal breaker.

look at this picture closely.

how many chunky haddock fillets are supposed to be in the box?

4, that's right.

how many were actually in the box?

in an unsealed bag.

obviously the man/woman in charge of bagging the fillets was on a tea break. and the man/woman in charge of sealing the bags was on a tea break. and the man/woman in charge of quality assurance was also on a tea break.

i simply cannot take it anymore.

supervalu is an embarrassment to the word supermarket.

it's not the haddock, it's the principle.

a day of romance

2010-02-15T04:14:00.000-08:00

hope you had a nice valentine's day...
my sweetie and i climbed up a mountain. for fun. in the mud. it was so... romantic.

here is a quick recap of our romantic day:

barry getting a stick from a tree and whipping me with it so i climb faster
barry speeding ahead of me and me yelling, wait for me, you bastard!
barry knowing i have to pee and taking me for a lovely walk along a babbling brook.
barry waiting politely and averting his eyes while i pee behind some trees. (this is the third time i've peed in the wicklow mountains. i don't know what it is. becoming one with nature. the shortage of bathrooms that makes me get the nervous tinkles. although, it's probably the giant cup of coffee i drank before leaving the house...)

here are some pics. (not of me peeing.)

later we went out for lunch and then came home and watched some movies.
p.s. romance is not:

the movie, "the reader" where kate winslet has sex with a 15 year old boy, goes to prison for committing war crimes, learns to read and write in prison, and then hangs herself by standing on her books. wtf?

the movie, "ghost town." i thought ricky gervais was funny? bad. bad. bad. bad. bad.

any romantic stories from vday?

happy valentine's day

2010-02-14T02:40:00.000-08:00

happy valentine's day!
a silly holiday, yes, but still a good time to tell the people we love that we love them.
i love you, friends!

this morning i woke up at 8am and made barry pancakes (from ginger's secret recipe, of course). there were plain ones and banana & peanut butter ones. since i'm on the "i don't want to look like a big white whale in my wedding dress" diet i skipped the pancakes and opted for fruit and coffee. oh yes, and pancake tuesday is this tuesday! barry's family is coming over for "american style" pancakes. (thicker instead of crepe-like.)

yesterday i tortured barry by making him get the special valentine's day movie rental package at x-tra vision. 3 love movies, a pint of hagen daas and a galaxy chocolate bar all for 13.49! i picked the movies and then ran away and made him go the counter... that wouldn't be as bad as making him buy feminine products, right? anyway, i thought it was funny. so last night, we watched the first one. it was called "i hate valentine's day" with nia vardalos and john corbett. now you might say, geez deidre, it seems like all you've been doing lately is watching movies, to which i would reply, "yes, you're right." (p.s. gin, i did see inglorious bastards which was so, so good.) anyway, it was actually quite cute. i'm a sucker for nia vardalos movies. if you haven't seen the one where's she's a tour guide in greece, get it. it's adorable. anyway, we've got two movies left for later.

now we are off for a walk in the wicklow mountains, then out for a cup of coffee, and probably to marks & spencer to pick up something delicious for dinner... this way, we won't have to cook and the only think cookin' will be our love. haha, ewww that made me gag a little. sorry. v-day is gaggy but i still love you all.

xoxoxo

i'm just not that into... this movie.

2010-01-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

Sweet mother of stab me in the eye, did you guys see, "He's just not that into you"?

I did. Sheesh. I don't know about you, but I already know I'm crazy without watching a movie about it.

Wasn't this based on a book? I remember reading part of the book, and I thought it was about how girls need to get a grip and stop pining after boys who don't like them. But I guess I didn't get to the end, because I don't remember the super-hypocritical ending.

Barry told me it's because they had to give the girls "something" at the end. He said, "After all, they just made you guys look absolutely nuts for 90 minutes."

Maybe he's right.

In the meantime, I'm not picking movies anymore.

Did you see it?

shoot me up with starbucks

2010-01-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting in O’Briens (the wanna-be Panera here in town) and I thought I’d write a little catch up. I was home for 6 weeks and just got back on Monday. It was a good amount of time and I got to see lots of people and do lots of things, with plenty of time to just chill out.

Slower than Molasses Ireland even made some progress while I was gone. The house that is getting built down the street went from see-through to almost finished. And in town, there is suddenly a massive playground. I’m talking massive. This playground would rival even the finest American playgrounds.

Not that I don’t dig the kids or whatever, but I could think of a few other things this town needed before a playground… but most of these are selfish things. Self serving things. Like Starbucks.

I’m jonesin' for a cup right now… let me tell you. Denise and I developed a serious addition while I was home. I would venture to say we had Starbucks almost every day. When we realized it was becoming a problem, we would lie to ourselves and each other by saying, “Hey, umm, I have to run to CVS, wanna come?” Of course, CVS is in the same parking lot at Starbucks, and inevitably we would “forget” what we needed and would head into Starbucks instead, because “why not, it’s right there.”

Anyway, about the playground, you have to see it. There are millions of kids and parents there. It’s like a riot. It’s like flies swarming. It's like they are giving something away. Maybe they are giving away free Starbucks. I’d better go check.

I think I see little 30-minute timers and sign-up sheets on the swings. ;)

Also, the sun is out here in lovely Clane, which seems to be nearly as common as Playgrounds giving away Starbucks.

Ok, I'm drinking peppermint tea and trying to get rid of this addiction. (Yes, I've had withdrawl headaches since I've been off the goods.) As you know, I already have plenty of addictions. And with about 4 Starbucks in this entire country, for practicality’s sake, this one has got to be nipped.

What else did I do while I was at home?

Wait, I have one more thing to say about Starbucks. It's not all happiness and caffeinated beverages, you know. Not only do they charge .50 extra for soymilk, which I can kind of accept, but you know when they compliment you? Have you ever noticed? Like, they say, "cool glasses" or "nice earrings"? Well, sorry to burst your bubble but they don't mean it. It's part of their "marketing strategy." Ginger's boyfriend Mike read it while getting his MBA and he told me.

That bastard didn't really like my scarf, he's just getting paid to say it. Now I scowl whenever they say nice things to me. Maybe I'm bitter, but I know what they're up to. They can't fool me.

Anyway...

I got my wedding dress. After 3 days of intensive shopping, I found a dress. I had begun to get hopeless. There is some seriously ugly shit out there. I was afraid I was a "bad" bride because I wasn't crying with glee every time I put a dress on. Everyone kept telling me, "when you find the right one, you'll know. You'll cry." All I wanted to do was cry because every dress I tried on made me look like Little Bo Peep. Alas, I finally tried one on and both Dee and I liked it a lot. When we brought back Dee's friend and they put me in the dress again, they both got tears in their eyes, and I swear I even got a little one too. (For the record, this makes me a "good" bride.)
I blubbered like an idiot at Baja. Melissa came up from Maryland for a visit and Ginger, Melissa and I went out for Mexican food. We had a few margaritas before dinner while we were catching up. After a few more margaritas, we were all sobbing, loudly and at some points hysterically because we all love and miss each other so much. And because we are 30 now and definitely can't drink Margaritas (or anything else for that matter) like we used to. To Jerry, our waiter, we apologize.
Aside from the whirlwind of seeing friends, hanging out with family, and supporting the bottom line at Starbucks (while they pretended to like my accessories), I also took the time to eat myself silly and gain 10 lbs. But damn, I enjoyed myself while I was doing it.
I started another addiction. This one courtesy of my dear friend, Shannon, who got me, for Christmas, a Kiehl’s starter kit. All I can say is, I love Kiehl's. I've already placed my first order. Have you tried it? I love the Amino Acid Conditioner and the Ultra Face Moisturizer. And the Hand Salve. And the Lip Balm.
I watched the most wonderfully entertaining and guiltful American TV shows. Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives, Cougar Town, and everything on HGTV. God I love the USA.

Well, that's all for now. Lots of love. (please, somebody bring me a soy latte.)

a poem for marvin

2009-12-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

oh marvin, oh marvin, you're just a little mouse
it was too cold outside, so you came into our house
looking for some food, looking for a bed
you probably didn't know
where the journey would head

when i saw you
in love i fell
around your small neck,
i envisioned a bell

there was a connection
when at each other we gazed
you nibbling at our cabinet and pooping
me at your cuteness amazed

i said you could stay
barry said you must go
when he asked if i wanted you to snuggle me in bed
... i had to say no

i begged barry to capture you humanely
to which he said, "you must be kidding"
to which i said, "but I love him. his name is marvin"
to which he said, "how can you love him, you hardly know him"
to which i said, "i loved you when i hardly knew you!"
to which he said, "well, how do you anticipate we capture him?"
and i said, "you move the refrigerator and I'll catch him inside this pot"
to which he said, "you're crazy. you can't capture a mouse inside a pot."

then i ran upstairs crying while the mean man set traps

i told you to run
i told you to hide
i yelled, "marvin, stay away from the cream cheese with chives"

i thought you heard me
i thought you knew
but early this morning,
i became very blue

the mean man he told me
that you met your maker
i felt so very sad
it was a heart-breaker

but there's more to the story
and it isn't folklore
there is hope and joy
where you might expect gore

barry said he was nearby
when the trap snapped
but instead of being smushed
you laid nearby, un-scratched

quiet and still
obviously talented at faking
you snapped the trap craftily
for a great escape you were making

when you heard my warnings
you constructed a plan
it was risky but smart
to trick the mean man

you needed to get out
but couldn't find the way you came in
a new route would be taken
escorted by him

it's not until later
that it all became clear
when to say my goodbye
with my eyes filled with tears

that we went into the yard
and nothing was there
no little mouse body
not like i had feared

where barry had put you
the grass was all clear
kind of like jesus
from the cave disappeared

so my friend marvin
while it's possible you were eaten by a cat
i know you too well
and i don't believe that

what really happened
once the charade was over
is that you squeaked a farewell
and ran to a field full of clover

happy travels, my friend

busy week

2009-12-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week! Barry and I traveled to NY for Thanksgiving. Family, friends, food and more food. Our friends, John and Sarah, were in from Ireland to experience a real American Thanksgiving, and one of John's American dreams was to play football on Thanksgiving, so we made his dream come true. I even put my glass of wine down long enought to play a little too.

Then, as we do on every Friday after Thanksgiving, my family cuts down a tree that is far too large for our house. This year, the tree is so big it has to live outside on the deck as it actually won't fit inside the house. Seems like when you're in a big forest full of trees for long enough, they all start to look small.

After that was Ginger's 30th birthday party, where I had a fantastic time and Barry made a new fashion statement. This hat was for decoration for the party but Barry insisted on wearing it all night. After much anticipation, I saw New Moon with Ginger on Sunday, and I loved it. I could be arrested for the thoughts I'm having about Jacob Black's abs. After seeing both Jacob and Edward shirtless, I think I'm starting to like Jacob more. Melissa will probably agree with me. I'm so glad Barry is into Twilight now so I can have an excuse to see it again in the movie theater.

We came back to Ireland and attended a wedding last night... We had a great time. I joked to Barry that the next wedding we'd be at would probably be our own. Holy shit.

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving too. That's all for now. xo.

send me an angel down

2009-11-20T03:03:00.000-08:00

We saw this band when they opened for Brandi Carlile in Dublin. I just can't get this song, or this guy's voice, out of my head.

Any songs you can't get out of your head?

a little handball makes a big difference

2009-11-20T02:40:00.000-08:00

you know i'm not very sporty, but i thought i'd do a little sports recap. you might have heard that ireland lost the world cup qualifier because of a handball that the ref didn't catch in the match the other night. i watched the whole thing, ireland was playing very well, and it was really, really disappointing that france ended up winning from a very unfair goal. you know there's nothing that bothers me more than unfairness. (I am a Libra after all.) Unfortunately, soccer has no video replay, so if the ref doesn't catch it, it didn't happen (even if it did happen).

Ireland has lodged a complaint with FIFA in hopes of getting the ruling overturned and playing another match against France. Doubtful, but we'll see what happens.

Here's a video of Thierry Henry, the "handballer."

vampires banging werewolves

2009-11-20T02:38:00.000-08:00

Barry liked Twilight. I keep asking him if he "loved" it, which I think he did but is probably afraid to admit. ;)

His two takeaways:

1. I didn't know vampires could climb trees
2. I thought there were going to be vampires and werewolves getting it on

Hmmmm. I guess he is a boy after all.

Anyway, when we came out of the movie, there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people waiting for the 12:01 showing of New Moon. I have never seen so many people at a movie theater ever!

All I can think is... Stephanie Meyer is a (very rich) freaking genius! I mean, where did she come up with this stuff. It's brilliant. It's a phenomenon.

Were any of you waiting in line at midnight to see the movie?

west side story

2009-11-19T10:14:00.001-08:00

I stand corrected. After Barry read my last post, he said "it's not a movie... it's a musical."

PS. I'll be back soon with Barry's "Twilight" review.

why it's nice being engaged to a girl

2009-11-19T09:56:00.001-08:00

It's nice being engaged to a girl... and I'm not talking about why it's nice for Barry to be engaged to me...

You know that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte dates the pastry chef who lives in Chelsea and she thinks he's gay but he turns out not to be? The one where he's more scared of the mouse than she is?

I was watching this episode with Barry last night -- and when the girls were at lunch discussing whether or not he was a straight gay guy or a gay straight guy -- barry asked me if he was a gay straight guy.... and i said no, not really.

Then, today, we decided we'd go to the movies. I told him he could pick. Some of the movies playing tonight are:

2012
Amelia
Couples Retreat
Harry Brown
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Men Who Stare at Goats
This is It
Up
Jennifer's Body

And guess what Barry picks?

Twilight. Tonight we are going to see Twilight -- because my fiance got to pick the movie. Now, before you think he's just being nice and wants to take me to a chick flick -- know that I've already seen Twilight... twice. (Both were on a plane and I'm obviously happy to see it again.) But this trip to see Twilight is for my fiance. My gay straight guy fiance.

He likes scented candles, loves the movie West Side Story, he's better at ironing than I am, and he's taking me to see Twilight. (I guess the Twilight bug got him too.)

So, in reassessing the question, is Barry a gay straight man... I might have to say yes. ;) Thankfully, he's not afraid of mice.

Any related stories to share? (tell me your man likes potpourri too!)

xoxo

Jersey Shore!

2009-11-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Dreams really do come true. Thanks to Ginger for letting me know about this:

Are you guys dying to watch this? I am. Oh, I so am.
Did you see the part about "fist-pumping"?

worth it... or not?

2009-11-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been exploring in-the-moment enjoyment vs. guilt and negativity that happens afterwards in order to decide... worth it... or not?

If something is good, enjoyable, and/or fun while you're doing it-- but after you've done it -- it's un-enjoyable, has negative repercussions, or you hate yourself for one reason or another... is it worth it?

Here are some examples:

1. Eating salmon. As you probably know, I stopped eating meat when I moved to Ireland because the cows and sheep (and pigs and chicken) are so freaking adorable I can't stand it. But occasionally I eat fish. Half because I like it, and half because I feel like a real pain-in-the-ass being a "vegetarian." And also because, and this is so discriminatory, I don't think they're as cute as cows, sheep, pigs, or chickens. Here's the thing... Most of the time after I eat fish, I feel immensely sad/guilty for taking the life of an innocent fish... OR ELSE, I become horribly and disgustingly nauseous, particularly after eating salmon, like I am now. I had lunch with Barry at Zest today and was deciding between the penne arrabiata (that I order every time I'm there) or the "fish of the day." I ordered the fish, which was salmon, and I have to say it tasted DELICIOUS while I was eating it. Now, I feel like barfing. I've felt like barfing for the past 3 hours. It always seems to disagree with me. Do any of you have this reaction to salmon (or any other kind of food)? Is it worth it? I'm leaning towards definitely, 100% NOT.

2. Binge Drinking. So much fun while you're doing it. Not so much fun the next day. The sad truth is, I often feel "more myself" after a few drinks than I do at any other time. Since I drink excessively so much less often these days, the consequences are so much worse. I try to convince myself that 1 or 2 drinks is just as much fun as 8... and... it's just not. Sure, sometimes 1 drink is perfect. But sometimes, you need to really let loose. (Embarrass yourself in front of strangers, sing in public, make new friends who you will definitely avoid next time you see them, lie about your profession, do mini-guinness shots, slur your words, mindlessly devour greasy food, hug the 70-year-old town drunk, etc...) Which of course leads to... for me... next day vomiting, drinking blues, questions about "did I say anything inappropriate," inability to get out of bed, restlessness, anxiety, ravenous hunger and excessive eating which includes food like pizza, doritos, potato chips, and ice cream, zero willpower, general overall grumpiness, bitchiness, and sometimes crying... Please weigh in friends... Is binge drinking worth it? Sadly, I'm tempted to say, that despite everything, it is...

3. Watching "The Hills." This was one of the things (like reading the Twilight series) that I said I would NEVER do. I'm truly ashamed. I watch The Hills. I watch it often. While I'm doing it, I love it. Afterwards, I feel guilty, embarrassed, and shallow. I can't believe I admitted it. I'd better hurry up and post this. So, my question is, The Hills, worth it or not?

Do you have any times when you aren't sure if it's worth it? If so, do tell. xo. --Barfy Barbara

i'm a man stealer

2009-11-09T01:43:00.001-08:00

did you have a good weekend?

I did. barry and the boys were away at a "stag" party this saturday, so i went out on the town with a friend. We had a good time, but there was one thing that really stuck out. At the pub, I was walking outside and saw a man I knew... Darragh. So I said, "Darragh"! Then the woman who he was talking to quickly went inside. I went over and started talking to him and said, "I'm so sorry, did I interrupt something?" and he said, "Oh, no, that's just my wife." Great. His wife who probably wants to know why this slutty looking girl knows his name and is so excited to see him. I knew what I had gotten myself into.

When she came back out, I was as friendly as possible and I explained how I knew Darragh: he's always been friendly at the pub (in an appropriate way, of course) and we've talked about NY lots of times since he used to live there. If you know me, you know I'll talk to just about anybody, and I do not discriminate when it comes to looks, age, cleanliness or criminal history. When she asked me what I was doing (what this American slut was doing) in Ireland, I said that my fiance lives here... which seemed to ease her mind a little about me trying to steal her husband. I even threw in that he was away on a stag and I was out having some "girl time" (as opposed to "husband-robbing" time).

As I made out with him and walked away I thought, Damn It, women are such bitches. Why the hell do I feel like a man-stealer? Why was there accusation in her eyes? I was just being friendly, because I think he's nice... Not because I'm secretly trying to scoop up a 50 year old pub-going Irish dude for some fun on the side. Is it insecurity, or do they just not want any girls talking to their men? Maybe they worry about what their hubby is doing at the pub all those nights when the wifeys aren't there. Either way, it annoys me. Am I going to be a crazy wifey too?

I hereby commit myself, when in this situation in the future, to go the NICE route first... Give the girl the benefit of the doubt that she's simply a friendly person and not a husband stealing slut until she proves me otherwise. (Unless she looks like Megan Fox, in which case all bets are off.)

Thoughts?
xo.

fave restaurants and bars in manhattan

2009-11-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hey kids,

My friend Karen is coming to NY with a few friends and she asked me which restaurants they should go to. She is desperately afraid of being hungry, wandering around, and ending up in Applebees. (Not that we all don't enjoy Applebees every once in a while.) Any favorites you can share? Jilly, I already have Virgil's on the list. :)

Thanks!

don't come near me before my coffee

2009-11-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

Like I said, I have nothing exciting to write about anymore... but I'll write nonetheless... about a very difficult situation that I'm dealing with right now.

I have a lavender plant in my office.

Over the past week or so I've noticed that some tiny fruit flies have been flying around it, and dually annoying me in the process. They fly around my face and land on top of my head while I'm trying to do my work. Then I get itchy because I think they're on me.

I've been trying out a new thing called patience and acceptance, and I've decided that the flies and I can live harmoniously together.

This morning, before I had my coffee, I went into a fit of range and squished two of them. I even yelled, "So there, you little bastards." So much for harmony. After I scraped their little buggy bodies off the wall and window, I felt disappointed in myself for not giving them the chance to fly out the window first, or for possibly trying to capture them in a cup and bring them to the zoo.

To my dismay, there is a lone, third fruit fly, sadly flying around looking for his friends.

Ugh. Why did I have to grow a conscience after 2? If my murderous rage continued and I killed them all, at least this one wouldn't be so sad (and making me feel guilty).

I'm sitting here freezing my ass off with the window open waiting for him to fly out and find new friends... but I think he wants to go outside in this cold, damp weather just about as much as I do.

Moral dilemma... What do I do?

the 86 year old camel

2009-10-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

I went to Lanzarote and rode a camel.

It was 6 Euro for the experience of a lifetime -- how could I not?

There were these two tiny little kids in front of us... They were next to what looked like an old man camel... he was smaller, and more frail looking than the other camels, and he only had one eye.

The camel herder came over to us, and made us switch camels with the kids.

The kids, who must have weighed 60lbs together, got the giant, strong camel. Barry and I... well, much to our camel's dismay, our fat asses got the old, ready to fall over, camel.

Once we were "on board" our camels, our safety was secured by a small, frayed rope.

The camels got up one at a time. The people in front of us (on a strapping, Vin Diesel camel) were up in a second. The kids behind us, on Jean Camel Van Damme had no problem either. Our camel.... well, our little old camel heaved and sputtered, yelling "why do you insist on putting these fat ass tourists on me?" I guess the guy figured if our camel dropped dead, we'd be less hurt by the fall than the small kids.

Here is a picture of Barry and I crushing our tiny, old camel. (Fortunately, we got a shot of his good eye.)

When the ride was over, he went down like a ton of bricks. All I could hope was that he got some extra grass for dinner.

I'll tell you one thing... There's nothing like crushing a camel to re-inspire your diet plan.

And finally, even though the Kardashian sisters don't seem to agree with me (my mother is obsessed with them), this is the only place where camel toe is ok!

i wish i was a vampire

2009-10-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

When I was home a few weeks ago, I went out for a night of drinking with Shannon and Ginger in Hoboken. After numerous $2.00 pints at Hobson's, a few Captain and Ginger's at Louise & Jerry's, and a few more drinks and some pool at DC's, they told me they "had to tell me something," broaching the subject as lightly as possible.

The something was, that they missed my blog (and that I had some nerve not writing on it anymore).

To which I said, life is pretty much boring now, Ireland is getting to be old news, (I can only talk about bugs and pancake Tuesday so much), and I don't have anything exciting left to write.

To which they said, they didn't care. Even if it was boring, they assured me they still wanted to hear it -- because it helped them know what was going on in my life, and gave them something different to read.

I've been thinking about what they said lately, so Shannon and Ginger, (and anyone else who wants to listen), this is for you... I'm back.

I can't promise it's gonna be good, but ultimately, it's a good outlet for me. Shannon and Ginger made me promise to write, even when I have nothing (good/fun/exciting) to say. So here we go...

I guess I'll share a little update of what's happened since I last posted.

* I drink too much water before bed, wake up to pee at 4-5am, and usually can't go back to sleep because asinine thoughts start flooding my head (like now). Why can't I just pee without the brain turning on?

* I used to look at all those girls toting their black-covered teenage Twilight saga books with them and think they were silly. Until I read it myself and loved it. (And I NEVER read.) I really, really wanted to be a Vampire for a while there... and I almost bought a posted of Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen at Spencers. Yes, I want to be 16 again.

* Though I wish I was 16 -- I turned 30. Thankfully my friends and family were around to keep me from going off the deep end.

* Subsequently, I got wrinkles, white hair, and achy knees and hips.

* When I realized I couldn't be a Vampire (still pissed!) I read Stephanie Meyer's next book, The Host, which was absolutely, alien-licious. I loved this book, but I wanted to be an alien/spirit/body snatcher/last human standing much less than I wanted to be a vampire.

* I went to Lanzarote with Barry's family. (It's off the coast of Africa -- I had never heard of it either) where I rode a camel.... which I think deserves it's own post.

* I found a beetle in my Rocket (on the fork on the way to my mouth), hence ridding me of my Rocket addiction. Bastards. I think they do it on purpose because they know it "bugs" me. ;)

Well, that's it for now. More later. Glad to be back.

what's that all over your face?

2009-06-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

today, i was in aisle 4 of the supermarket trying to find a new shampoo. i was sniffing the coconut one but i couldn't really get a whiff... so what did I do? i gave it a little squeeze. i meant to simply poof the fragrance up towards my nose, but instead caused a shampoo eruption all over my face. it was up my nose, in my mouth, it was all over my shirt, everywhere. i was so embarrassed. people passed as i tried to stick my face inside my large canvas bag pretending i needed to stick my whole face in to look for something. really i was just wiping my tongue and trying to blow the suds out of my nose. they were probably thinking, idiot, we all know you were smelling the shampoo and squeezed it all over your face.

the joys of irish living

2009-06-22T03:36:00.000-07:00

i feel inspired today to share two interesting "irish living" episodes.

1. a few days ago, i heard a loud bang. it sounded like someone was in the house. i thought, hmm, that's weird, nobody could be here, i must have imagined it. a few minutes later, another loud noise. i decided to go check it out. when i came downstairs from the office to the kitchen doorway, something black darted through the air past my head and hit the window. it was a bird who possessed by santa came down the chimney. scared shitless, i slammed the kitchen door.

all i could think was, bird's don't come down chimneys in the US of A, do they? i mean, what the f-ck do you do when there's a bird flying around your kitchen? well, i did what any brave bird chaser would do. mind you, i'm not as scared of birds as i am of spiders and flying insects, but you all know how i'm afraid living things are going to get stuck inside my hair and all i could picture was me with a flailing bird as a hair accessory. I put on a baseball hat and a long coat with a hood, and grabbed an umbrella (i don't know what i was going to use this for-- i just felt i might need a weapon) and i opened the kitchen door. there was silence. i tiptoed quietly through the kitchen towards the back door to open it.

Squak! bird takes off from it's hiding place and i'm screaming bloody murder... so is it, yelling and flying into walls and windows. i take to the crawl position (like you're supposed to do if you're trying to get out of a smokey building) i open the door (having to drop my umbrella in the process) and a second later, out flies my feathered friend. has this freaking country never heard of a screen on top of the chimney? and oh yes, much like santa claus, this little guy left presents too.

2. right now i am sitting in my office. i have a large window that overlooks our back yard and those of the neighbors. (town houses.) the man across the way is at this moment, sitting outside sunning himself in his bright blue speedo, that is especially startling against his fire engine red skin (which obviously does not need any additional sun).

i stand firm that irish people are absolutely crazy. they are whiter than white, but you'd have a hard time finding any SPF over 15 in this country. i won't even dare to wear SPF 6, let alone the Zero SPF tanning accelerator my white-ass neighbor bought the other day. WTF? Please wear sunscreen. White is much hotter than bright, painful looking red. Oh GOD, I just looked over again and he's standing up and picking his speedos out of his ass. SPEEDOS should be illegal too.

So anyway, who wants to come visit?

xo.

animals gone wild

2009-04-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

Was it a full moon yesterday? Because first I got attacked by a little bastard of a dog while I was out walking, then I saw this on the news. It's not a joke-- it was actually on the news yesterday. Oh Ireland, sometimes I do love you.

Check it out.

extreme sheep herding

2009-04-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

wow- this is pretty amazing.

something special in my sweatshirt

2009-02-12T04:51:00.000-08:00

barry and i went to see slumdog millionaire last night. i was wearing jeans and a wrap sweatshirt that my mom gave me for christmas. the sweatshirt has a hood that's lined with fluffy furry stuff.

as we're walking out the door, barry starts to giggle and tells me to "hang on." he then proceeds to rescue a pair of underwear out of my fluffy hood.

and they weren't cute ones either. they were granny panties. big white ones with smiley faces on them.

i wonder how many times i've walked around town with granny panties hanging from my clothing...

there's no one as irish as barack o'bama

2009-01-21T14:24:00.001-08:00

thanks to ginger for sending this over. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HplZ_taHXLM

getting the new year off to a good start

2009-01-06T05:33:00.000-08:00

this is funniest thing i've ever seen. it's a song. it's called the boulder, and it's written by colleen, aka the communicatrix, who is a brilliant communicator and musician.

please enjoy it here.

and check of the rest of her blog (http://www.communicatrix.com/)- it's full of insights that will either make you think or pee your pants, or both. xo, d

family holiday memories- vol.2: don't let the bed bugs bite

2008-12-28T08:55:00.001-08:00

some say i have an unfounded and unreasonable fear of bed bugs. every time i travel to a hotel my skin crawls and i pray that i don't get attacked. i talk about them, i think about them, and anyone who has tried to travel with me knows that i'm obsessed, and terrified of the possibility of bed bugs.

just the other day, as a matter of fact, barry was telling me that i was ridiculous. did i even know anyone who had seen bed bugs? when i booked a hotel with ginger for our trip to barcelona, i think she heard me say bed bugs so many times she was ready to exterminate me. (i had to google each hotel with the term "bed bugs" before it could become an option....)

bed bugs: they crawl out of little hiding places, bite you and suck your blood while you're sleeping, lay eggs in your clothes, climb in your suitcase and come home with you. this sounds like the most terrifying thing i can imagine.

i also have a terrible fear of things being in my hair, so i think that's why bugs bother me so much. i have a lot of hair. once, while cheerleading for a football game, i felt like a rock hit me in the head. i didn't think much of it. after i jumped around and cartwheeled for 4 hours i realized that it was not a rock that had hit me, it was bird shit. i'd been cheerleading with bird shit in my hair for 4 hours. i've always thought that animals could live in there without me knowing. i was that kid wearing a shower cap and getting checked at the nurse every 16 seconds during a lice scare at grammar school. anyway, i'm sure you can understand my dismay.

i still can't believe what i'm about tell you.

my parents and i went down to cape may for the night to look at a place for my wedding. we decided to stay the night and booked a room at a place down there-- a place that my parents had stayed at many times before.

as any normal family does, we were watching waiting to exhale. i did not get to see the end of this movie. my dad switched the lights out. i was on one side on the room in my bed, my parents in the other.

two minutes later, my dad gets up to go to the bathroom. he turns one of the lights on, looks over, and says to me, "boo boo, what's that on the wall behind you?"

i turn around, and realize in a split second that my worst nightmare has come to life. up above the permanently mounted headboard, two bed bugs are glaring at me with their fangs out, ready to climb down onto the bed, thirsty for my blood. they are for certain- bed bugs- i know this immediately without a doubt in my mind as i'm well-educated on the subject as-is any fearful bed bug neurotic. i jump out of the bed like my ass is literally, on fire, rip off my pajamas and proceed to do what my mother now describes as the bed bug dance, the funniest thing she claims to have ever seen. if you are me, and your worst fear has just come to fruition, and you think bed bugs might be crawling on you, you would do this dance too. i'm sure you can imagine what this dance would look like.

i throw a cup at my dad to capture the bugs and start screaming, "get your shit, get your shit!" while doing the bed bug dance and frantically grabbing my thankfully still zipped and far away from the bed duffel bad, waiting for my parents to realize the severity of the situation.

"get your shit you crazy bitches! we're under attack, get your shit!"

my mom says, "come on, are you sure that's a bed bug?"

i call my trusty brother, patrick, while doing the bed bug dance and unlocking the door, and scream, "patrick, text me a picture of a bedbug!" he complies.

the text arrives.

my mother looks at it and proceeds to do the bed bug dance and starts packing her shit. before you know it, i'm out the door without a shirt on, my mother is nervously and hysterically laughing yelling, "oh my god it's really a bed bug!" and even my generally un-phased dad has an extra skip in his step.

i don't think i've ever been so freaked out in all my life.

i ran downstairs into the office and said, SIR, you have bed bugs in this place! handing him the cup of bugs while my parents were coming down the stairs to join me. the man produced his seemingly well-rehearsed speech, " we have people stay here all the time and have never heard of this, at the risk of sounding rude, is it possible that you brought them with you?" as i was halfway over the desk with my hands in choking position, my dad came in, hauled me out of the door kicking and screaming, and got a refund.

then we got in our blue jeep and drove 90 miles an hour the whole way home like we were fleeing assassins.

oh wait... after we captured the bugs in a cup, i took a picture as proof because i KNEW my friends would never believe me-- i understand that it's like the boy who cried wolf.... and here is that picture... the picture of the bed bug we found last night on the wall:

yes, i know. it's horrible.

thank GOD these bed bugs were so blood thirsty they came out immediately after the lights went out.

thank GOD for my dad's go-go- gadget vision and peanut bladder.
... otherwise we could have been eaten alive and i could have bed bug eggs in my hair right now.

we arrived home, washed everything we had in the room in scalding hot water, and showered as though we were removing the plague from our bodies. fortunately, we are all bite-free and feel that we narrowly escaped that way. had my dad not needed to go pee pees, we might have all snuggled into our beds and became dinner.
--

i'm now, officially, a completely neurotic nut job. the good news is, i'm not going to let this horrible experience hinder me from traveling.

i'm just going to sleep with the lights on, in a ski mask, and a complete plastic suit with socks and gloves.

as i've gained some perspective after having met my greatest fear, i'd like to say that i love you all.

gps jesus

2008-12-15T05:25:00.001-08:00

what has this world come to when we need to put gps on baby jesus? come on! is nothing sacred?

take 2 teaspoons of...poo

2008-12-15T01:52:00.001-08:00

i'm the worst nurse in the history of the world.

on thursday, barry had "lunch" at 2pm with some vendors.

then a man came into the house at 1am. he was a man i've never seen before. he was not barry, he was the world's drunkest man who sort of looked like barry. he was in a state of utter disgrace. apparently, lunch consisted of 2000 pints of guinness. he walked into the refrigerator and bounced off, landing on the floor in the kitchen where he decided to take a nap. he fell out of bed. he sat indian style on the bathroom floor telling me he was 2 years old. i desperately missed my normally sober and quite sensible boyfriend. where was he?

i had no sympathy for this man who was rolling around on the floor like he had no limbs. this man who was speaking in words that had no consonants. i was angry with him for being such a degenerate. but i tried to remember the times when i've been like this, and thought of the people who've taken care of me.

i wondered why i was such a heartless, wretched, unforgiving bitch and tried to conjure up some kindness to care for this vat of human guinness.

"come here you drunken moron."

i helped this pile of uncoordinated mush into bed. i took his shoes off. i gave him advil and grabbed a large bottle of water. we had purchased a 6-pack of this bottled water and when we tried it, it tasted really bad. it was water with a very funny taste, and it was still sitting in the corner. but whatever, he was drunk and wouldn't notice, so i forced him to drink it.

"you'll feel better if you drink this water, barr... now be a good little drunk and drink as much as you can."

and today, this water got recalled because of fecal contamination. yes, the water i forced my sick, helpless drunk to drink contained shit. you'd think spring water from ireland would be the freshest, purest water available. but not Comeragh "Shit" Springs.

i love this quote. "The results confirmed no threat to human health. However, as the quality did not meet the high standards required, the product has not been reintroduced
..." oh, you mean the high standards that require your water to not contain shit? a little bit of shit won't hurt! but geez are we lucky this company has such high standards! (if you like, you can read the rest of the shit recall article here.)

i don't need to have this water analyzed to know the truth. i'm 100% certain it contains shit. it tasted... like shit. and i'm the worst caretaker ever.

my poor honey has been complaining of a sore throat and general sickness since thursday. is he actually sick, or is he shit contaminated?

i'm sorry barry. i'm sorry for forcing you to drink poo.
i hope you can forgive me.

merry christmas honey, you're fat

2008-12-11T00:42:00.000-08:00

barry tells me i have a special way of interpreting things to mean whatever i want them to mean. for example, he says, "dinner was good" and i hear " can i please call dominos now?"

this aside, i feel there would be no mistaking this message...

i was reading an article yesterday called 20 great gift ideas for women. i thought, let me see what women are asking for this christmas. much to my dismay, the slendertone belt for women was on this list (which was obviously written by a man with three brain cells or a death wish).

here is the slendertone belt for women.

see how toned her abs are? well they weren't always like that! she used to be a fatass until her man gave her this belt for christmas! the abs toning belt from slendertone gives you a firmer and flatter stomach, in just 4 weeks! it claims to be a revolutionary way to firm and tone your waistline, and is clinically proven to deliver results – fast!

i know what results will be delivered fast... a punch to the head. the slendertone belt also makes a perfect anniversary or birthday gift.

just so you know, i have tried this belt. it sends what feels like an electrical pms pain into each muscle in your stomach, causing the most unnatural, sickening, and laughably painful sensation you can imagine. it is so uncomfortable that apart from ripping it off, all i could do was laugh hysterically and jump around the room. maybe some people like it. i'd personally rather do the 120 crunches (the belt's equivalent) than wear this bitch for 20 minutes. i'd rather do 500 crunches. however, if you're interested in masochism, check out the slendertone website.

the article should have been called, great gift ideas for women-from men who wish they were single again.

also on this list was, a blender, a vacuum, and diet pills. ;)

moron! i realize that not every woman wants a cashmere scarf for christmas, but i'm pretty f-ing sure that none want a slendertone.

"merry christmas honey, you're fat."

has any guy ever given you an amazing gift like this? what do you really want for christmas/hanukkah this year?

my poor nostrils

2008-12-09T07:09:00.001-08:00

i still can't get the smell out of my nose.

this morning, i went to dublin to do some shopping. on the 12:30 bus back to clane, a group of the world's stinkiest irish people colonized in the bus row behind me.

try to imagine, if you will, the odor of someone who has not showered for 6 months and then puts chicken soup under their armpits and parmesan cheese in their socks. then, imagine that this person eats a fiery mexican burrito, shits their pants, and allows 2 more months to go by.

my nostrils were invaded today by the worst scent i could imagine. i had to breathe through my sweater sleeve for 42 minutes and i could still make out the odor.

please, oh please, smelly people of the world... if you don't care about personal hygiene, at least do it for everyone else who has to smell you!

this gets me thinking about all the times my nostrils are invaded unfairly by someone else's stink...

irish men who fart in bars. why the hell should i have to breathe in the particles from your ass? that's what fart smell is... it's shit particles floating around in the air. why should i have to breathe your shit particles you disgusting lazy person?! can't you just go outside? or into the bathroom? what makes you think it's ok to inflict this abuse upon the noses of the innocent? i know a few of these men, actually. they are friends of barry. one in particular likes to pass his gas right next to you and then flee. the fleeing farter. i called him disgusting and he laughed. i should vomit on these public farters and see how they like being invaded.

women who wear too much perfume on airplanes. have you ever been stuck next to someone on a plane who was wearing too much perfume or cologne? gag me. your perfume is making my eyes water and i wish i could eject you.

irish men who don't wear deodorant! good GOD. why isn't there a rule that deodorant be mandatory for every person on this planet? even if i drink 23 pints of guinnness, i can still smell you, you stinky b.o. man!

i'd better stop. i'm getting so enraged. smelly people make me feel violent. i want to punch them in the head. i try to be considerate to others. i shower, i don't wear perfume on planes, i wear deodorant and i most certainly don't fart in bars... or anywhere else for that matter. :) i'm not saying i'm the most perfect smelling person, (like my friend melissa who smells like marvelous muffins at all times), i'm just saying that a little consideration goes a long way.

in closing, being smelly is being mean to yourself and to those around you!

friends, i hope your nostrils are filled with only pleasant aromas today and every day.

xo, sally sniffer

the day the irish breakfast died

2008-12-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

today is a sad day for irish meat-eaters as you can't get an irish breakfast, ham sandwich, bacon sandwich, sausage, or anything at all made from pig. considering the average irish person ate 70lbs of pig meat last year, (yes, 70lbs!) this is big news.

all irish pig meat has been taken off the shelves due to some contaminated pig feed.

tragically, it's been reported that in the five-star shelbourne hotel, afternoon tea was being served with parma ham sandwiches (can you imagine?) instead of the usual baked ham from co. limerick- and the morning breakfast bacon was from denmark!

read the full article, irish fret over favorite food after pork scare here.

Subscribe via email!

2008-12-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

since my mom always forgets i have a blog, i just made it possible to subscribe by email. now you can have all of my rantings delivered right to your inbox! exiting, right? ;)

a fun family thanksgiving

2008-12-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

hi all! i hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving. i'm back from the festivities in the good ole USA. here's a recap:

on wednesday, we arrived to my parents house in style... a giant dodge ram pick up truck that made barry the happiest redneck in town. in addition to driving this big truck, he also made "vroom vroom" noises. how i love my little 6 year old redneck.

then we all baked up an old family favorite called chargers. chargers are cookies with walnuts and chocolate chips that were created by my aunt timmie. the recipe calls for 8 cups of flour and 12 eggs. they weigh 14 pounds each and are roughly the size of a frisbee. (ps. congrats to sandy and larry on the birth of their new baby, vivian, who thankfully did not weigh 14 pounds.)

on the night before thanksgiving, not a creature was buzzing, except for the epilady. you see, like any normal family on thanksgiving eve, my brother busted out the epilady and started attacking my dad.

for those of you who don't know, this torture device is used by crazy women to remove body hair. it works by twisting the hair up in its metal cords and ripping it out, most excruciatingly. i think my mom ordered it a few years back from QVC when they epiladied a model who was so drunk she was numb to the pain.

though his head hair is scarce, dad's neck hair and arm hair was up for grabs. what's more fun than seeing my 6 foot 2 massive dad run after my brother post epilady attack? not much. you wouldn't believe how fast he can go when he's infuriated.

here, patrick proudly pauses for a photo op with his weapon.

here is one of the war scars from the attack.

when the epilady attack was over, barry started preparing potato and leek soup for thanksgiving day while my mother demonstrated how whipping someone with a slightly damp towel hurts more than a dry one. barry was jumping around like michael flatley with a spatula. the whole time, all i could think was, this guy must REALLY love me.

one of my favorite episodes from the evening was when my dad stood up (with an unsightly wedgie), and my mother told him there was a party in his ass and all of his shorts were in attendance. don't worry, i did not document this event photographically, although i hope you can release the mental image from your head.

on thanksgiving day, i made a diary. here it is:
9:34 am- eating
10:15am- eating
11:42am- eating
1:07pm- eating
2:30-6pm- eating
you get the idea...

on black friday, we went to cut down our christmas tree. here are the men with this year's find.

and here is my brother chopping down the tree while my dad "manages" the process.

with 4 trees in the back of barry's truck, the 12 of us stopped at the diner for some food. we've been stopping at this diner for 15 years and lola has always been our waitress. lola always used to be nice to me - until barry joined us three years ago and lola fell in love with him. since then, lola calls me "that chick", gives me dirty looks, and i'm pretty sure she spits in my greek salad.

even my uncle jimmy noticed that "lola was after barry's shamrock."

on saturday morning, we went to the poconos to celebrate ginger's 29th birthday. happy birthday ginger! there were lots of friends, a fire pit, and even s'mores.

on sunday, we went to the borgata where, in addition to losing lots of money, we purchased the world's tiniest bottle of water for $1.75. can you believe how small this bottle is?

what a wonderful holiday full of fun! i can't wait until christmas!

pimpin'

2008-11-24T03:14:00.001-08:00

i was a whore and i got caught

2008-11-19T03:19:00.000-08:00

barry and i are invited to a fancy dress party on saturday for someone's 30th birthday. fancy dress means you dress up like it's halloween even though it's not. i have never particularly liked halloween except for the year when we all dressed up like conversation hearts. my heart said bite me and i thought it was quite representative of who i am.

anyway, i thought barry and i should go as a couple. fred and wilma, shrek and fiona, a jockey and horse, etc. i tried to convince him to dress like little bo peep and i could be his sheep but he refused. barry had his heart set on being a pimp. " i have always wanted a pimp stick," he said.

ugh. ok. barry wants to be a pimp. to go as a couple, i'd have to be a whore. (aren't you supposed to do something different when you get dressed up?) so since there are no whore costumes at the costume shop, we thought maybe i could make my own. i said, let me go upstairs and see if i could slap something together.

15 minutes later i leave the bedroom to show barry my new look. barry is at the bottom of the stairs next to the front door looking at me, and i'm at the top of the stairs.

I'm wearing a short black skirt, red lipstick, teased hair, blue eyeshadow, sluttly gold heels, bra hanging out, off-the-shoulder top, big earrings and lots of jewellery ....

and i'm yelling "i'm a whore, i'm a slutty, dirty, whore!"

and then john walked in the front door.

the look on his face cannot be described. not sure what he'd walked in on, the poor guy almost had a heart attack.

the costume search continues...

rocket is my rock

2008-11-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

where does fondness end and addiction begin?

i have somewhat of an addictive personality. it's something i've been aware of for quite a while, and i'm sure those of you who know me might agree. having an addictive personality makes you more susceptible to compulsive and/or self-destructive behavior. i can't eat one chocolate, i eat the whole pack. when i used to smoke, it wasn't 1 cigarette, it was 20. it's all or nothing. is addictive personality an excuse for lack of self control? maybe. but a lot of people i know are like this... does that make it better?

we all know you can be addicted to drugs or alcohol. there are sex addicts and sugar addicts and caffeine addicts. chocolate addicts? cookie addicts? video game addicts? sure. email addicts? crackberry addicts? candy addicts? coffee addicts? shopping addicts? absolutely. my friend julie is a gym addict but i wasn't lucky enough to be infected by that one.

a while ago i read a book called lighting up by new york's own susan shapiro where she gives up cigarettes, but she comically finds herself replacing this addiction with new ones, like gum chewing, diet coke, and tasti d-lite. the tasti d-lite started as a taste, and before she knew it she was stopping in a few times a day.

i've never done coke or ecstasy because i knew how likely i'd be to develop a problem. gambling looks like an easy hole to fall into, but i'm too sensible to get pulled into these addictions. credit card addiction, i wasn't sensible enough to avoid that one, but i came out on the other side of it smarter and more controlled (in that area anyway).

now most of my addictions focus around food. every time i get rid of one i seem to find another one, unintentionally. i'm trying to replace my unhealthy addictions with healthier ones. i cut out cheese, but now i put hot sauce on everything. i cut out coffee, but can't go long without barley cup. i polished off an entire jar of marmite in the past two weeks. it started innocently enough, but soon i couldn't go a day without marmite on toast. i recently depleted supervalu of their stock of chick peas. i'm serious. i just got the last three cans on monday. when i was little, i turned orange from drinking orange juice and eating nothing but carrots. it's true, ask my mom.

there are days when i can't stop peeing because i drink almost 200oz of water.

in college it was orange julius among other things. right before i moved here it was corn nuts. ranch, nacho cheese, barbecue, it didn't matter, as long they were in my mouth. before that it was lean cuisine's santa fe rice and beans. every night for dinner. i've had a lifelong addiction to doritos. i give them up for months at a time, but it always ends up in a relapse. if only i could learn moderation. i'm getting better, but the ugly addict in me always rears its ugly head before too long.

6 months ago, i started juicing in the morning, but now it's turned into a compulsion. i'm a wino, only now it's with carrot, apple, ginger juice.

my latest addiction? rocket. no, it's not a drug, it's arugula.

i eat it every day for lunch and sometimes at night for dinner. i think about it all the time. i get nervous that i'm going to run out. i worry they won't have any at the supermarket. or what if it's out of date? i focus my recreational activities around buying it. i plan my day around using. one day my dealer (supervalu) had run out so i had to opt for a mixture of rocket, watercress, and spinach, but i picked out the rocket leaves like a pothead would pick through roaches for leftover herb. i love each and every little green rocket leaf like a junkie loves his rock. my fork is his crack pipe. could i be addicted to worse things? yes... but does that make it ok? just because it's a healthy addiction, is it actually healthy? is any addiction healthy for you?

are you addictive? what are you addicted to? and how to you deal with it? have you overcome any addictions?

xo, annie addict

breaking news

2008-11-12T10:10:00.000-08:00

i can't believe it, but my little ipod survived! it was washed, tumble dried, and it still works! now it's just really clean! i thought it was broken, but it just needed to be charged. my little green ipod shuffle is such a survivor!

my very clean ipod shuffle

2008-11-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

i have an ipod shuffle and i absolutely love it. it's so tiny, and it clips right onto whatever you're wearing. it's been perfect for jogging and just walking around town. i always wondered why anyone would want a full-sized, cumbersome ipod when these little shuffles exist.

today, i found out why.

i bet the large ipod is a lot harder to accidentally wash and tumble dry.

could i be a bigger moron!? the little ipod was obviously in my sweatshirt pocket and i didn't notice when i chucked it into the wash. my poor little green ipod shuffle.

dear santa, i probably don't deserve one since i'm a freaking moron, but please bring me an ipod shuffle.

make me feel better... have you done anything moronic lately?

branching out

2008-11-10T04:48:00.000-08:00

for a while, i've been practicing saying yes to every invite i receive, and because of this, i did something very different this morning.

i sat around a table making collages and drinking coffee with some nigerians, a kenyan, and a girl named happy from rwanda... and you know something? it was actually a lot of fun. a new acquaintance invited me for something different to do, and it definitely was.

there is something to be said for branching out.

have you branched out lately?

you can bet on everything in ireland

2008-11-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

if you're in ireland, you can vote on just about anything at the local bookie. i've bet on horses and dog races, our roommate john bets on soccer and golf. you can even bet on the US presidential election. the current odds at paddy power.com are:

1-14 barack obama
13-2 john mccain

some other things you can bet on at paddy power.com, using your credit card, from the comfort of your own home?

-who will win x factor
-russell brand's next job
-christmas' #1 video game
-who will be the next pope

and a very interesting one, does God exist? it says that "scientific proof must emerge by 31st Dec 2009, to confirm his omnipresence in order for bets to be deemed winners." odds on this are as follows:

there is a God 4-1
russell brand is God 500-1

unfortunately betting has closed on the all ireland elvis competition.

i'm not joking about any of this.

a reason to LOVE your job

2008-11-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

my friend elser made an inquiry... how do they extract the semen from the bull for the bull sperm hair treatment? elser, that is an excellent question that i'm sure many of you were wondering.

well my friends, the semen is likely collected thanks to the magic of the artificial vagina (AV). here is a picture. the one on the bottom is for a bull. the one on the top is for a little teeny rabbit penis! (how cute!)

i learned that the prerequisites of using an AV are that the male be conscious, not too frightened of people, and more interested in ejaculating than in killing humans. (i wonder how this is predetermined.)

the AV uses thermal and mechanical stimulation to stimulate the goods.

the male is allowed to mount the lady cow, and his penis is diverted into the AV where he does his business. here, this guy is doing a quick bait and switch, diverting the bull's willy into the fake va-jay-jay.

so, if you're having a bad day at work, just remember, there are worse jobs out there.

more information on this interesting topic is available here.

if a tree falls...

2008-10-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?

if a bear shits in the woods, does it smell?

if a package of cookies contains no nutrional breakdown, does it contain no calories?

we just bought cookies from lidl. sometimes the food there comes from random countries in eastern europe where evidently, it is not mandatory to have caloric content on your packaging. this must mean that these cookies have no calories. is that why women from eastern europe are all so skinny?

...digging in to cookie #3.

- calorie-free Freda

don't read while eating

2008-10-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

ok, i heard that in japan they do facials with a paste that has nightingale poop in it. (you might have heard that victoria beckham had them when she was there.) i thought it was gross, but i could almost forgive it. maybe if nightingale poop made my skin look fantastic, i just might consider it. i think i'm pretty open-minded.

but then i heard about a beauty treatment that pushes the limits of reasoning.

It's called Bull sperm hair treatment.

A hairdresser is offering clients a new conditioning treatment made out of bull's semen.

The 45-minute treatment costs £55 and uses semen from Aberdeen Angus bulls on a farm in Cheshire.

Hari's, in Knightsbridge, London, combines the sperm with the root of protein-rich plant katera, reports Metro.

The mixture is massaged into the client's hair after it has been shampooed. Then the customer is put under a steamer so the treatment penetrates the hair. Finally, it is blow-dried.

Salon owner Hari Salem said: "I have been searching for an organic product with a lot of protein because that is what hair is made of and lacks when it is dry.

"The semen is refrigerated before use and doesn't smell. It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick." (story from ananova.)
--
If you're interested next time you're in London, here's more info at Hari's Salon.

Please share your thoughts... Would you do this? What if it made your hair look better than ever?

massive snowflakes

2008-10-29T05:03:00.001-07:00

are falling from the sky right now. the most massive flakes i think i've ever seen. it's october 29th. oh my gosh, i just heard on the radio that it's going to snow there too! is it snowing yet? xo.

followers

2008-10-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

so, ginger's blog displays her "followers," and i thought mine should too...

i added this feature to my blog and discovered that i only have 3. i'm such a loser. so, if you have a blogger account, please feel free to become a follower! you can follow lots of blogs in one place instead of having to check different links.

it's a time-saver, just like the saucer fascinator.

xo.

barack o'lantern

2008-10-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

have you guys seen this? i just found this article called 'Barack-o'-lanterns' light up Democrats' Halloween.

if you're carving a pumpkin this year, please send me a picture!

all jack o'lanterns, ann o'lanterns and barack o'lanterns are welcome!

the perfect accessory

2008-10-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

why, oh why don't we have these hats in america? it's SO unfair. fortunately my friends, i can buy them and send them to you, so you will have to go without no longer!

i was at the mall when i saw these beauties and simply had to try them on.

now this first one, in case you can't see, is a zebra printed beanie hat with sequins and red feathers. This would be PERFECT with that little black cocktail dress. now girls, it's on clearance at the moment, marked down from €70 to just €11! If you want me to pick this up for you, let me know quickly. there were just a few left, and at a price like that, this sparkly stunner won't last long!

did i mention that this hat is perfect for nights when you don't want to lug your purse around? a lip gloss, a small cell phone, and some taxi fare fit easily underneath... fashionable AND practical!

Now, this next one is more than meets the eye. It is also animal print but far more subtle than the sequined zebra above. unfortunately, you can't really see my favorite part- which is a large black silk flower on the back of the hat. now, this one was not on sale, so it's more of an investment... but i think you can tell from the picture alone that it would be well worth it. plus, i think this one would be even more versatile. you could wear it with that black dress, or more casually with jeans or khakis and a sweater.

this one is called a "saucer fascinator" and it's my personal favorite. i think the name says it all. people will be captivated by your beauty in this gorgeous ivory colored saucer with bouncy feathers and ribbon. even more amazing, this hat is perfect for the busy woman. have you ever been in such a rush for a fancy event that you hardly have time to do your makeup? well, wearing this gorgeous hat means you only need to do makeup on one eye- saving you lots of time and getting you out the door quickly. elegant, and a time-saver! does it get any better?

the only thing i can think of that would make these hats even better? if they came with some fake tan and tooth fairy bling.

my absentee ballot

2008-10-28T02:49:00.000-07:00

i'm nervous that my absentee ballot isn't going to arrive in time, and i was telling this to my friend lauren.

later, the bitch sent me this.

i really hope it gets here on time.

BARACK THE VOTE! xo.

american trivia

2008-10-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

barry and i went to "table quiz" at manzors last night. (trivia night.) i didn't know ANY of the answers. it seemed like everything was either about soccer players or movies that i didn't see, like the shining and the quiet man. then the quizmaster said the word "America" and I knew it was time to shine. America, horray i thought! I know all about America! I'm AMERICAN!

He said, "question number 8.... IN AMERICA, what was completed in 1928 and was 2448 miles long?" And everybody looked at me...

And I had no freaking clue! NO freaking clue.

So seriously, my fellow Americans, WITHOUT looking on the internet or asking somebody else, can you answer this question?

PS. You get extra credit if you can tell me what kind of animal a marmoset is.

no cheating!

trick or treat

2008-10-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

dressing your pet in a costume? cruel, or funny? you decide. this little guy looks like he's having a blast, doesn't he?

the guy who's going to eat the spandex lobster is the only one who looks like he's having any fun...

what are you dressing up as this halloween?

ginger started a blog!

2008-10-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

i'd like to introduce my vast fan base (all 8 of you) to a new blog that is sure to be full of brilliance-courtesy of my talented friend ginger. http://gingersstories.blogspot.com/
happy blogging, gin!

Ireland Budget 2009

2008-10-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

wine is going up .50 per bottle. come on, ireland!

today's weather

2008-10-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

Here is today's weather forecast:

Fresh and breezy with sunny breaks and occassional showers. Showers will be heavy and most numerous across the north and west but good dry spells will occur too, especially in the south and east.

Can anybody tell me what the hell this means?!

yoga (with an irish twist)

2008-10-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

during my yoga class, i can't help but remember that i'm in ireland. here are a few favorite yogic irish-isms that my teacher likes to use:

"roll your shoulders back and let your arms hang down, as if you're carrying a bag of spuds in each hand!"

"this is an excellent stretch you can do on your worktop (counter top) while waiting for the kettle to boil."

so sad

2008-10-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

i went to the supermarket today and happened to notice that the alterations store (that turned my dress into something out of mariah carey's closet) had gone out of business! so sad, so sad...

working on our pelvic muscles

2008-10-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

today, in yoga class, we did the yogic equivalent of kegal exercises. now, i'm not saying it's not important to have tight muscles in that area, but to develop those tight muscles in a room full of other people is strange. especially when the instructor said perineum. perineum almost made me lose my zen state. :)

zurich

2008-10-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

we had a great time in zurich! if you haven't been there- you should go. it's a really cool city. xo.

mr. big

2008-10-07T04:37:00.000-07:00

ginger called me yesterday to say she had walked right past mr. big (chris noth) on the streets of manhattan. (she said he's even MORE handsome in person!)

guess who i saw in clane yesterday?

NOBODY. :)

i love ellen, LL, and elvis sandwiches

2008-09-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

Melissa and I decided we should pay more attention to the positive things that happen in our lives each day. Accordingly, I'd like to share mine with you:

1. I watched Ellen during lunch and LL Cool J was on. Even though he's not exactly Andrew Lloyed Webber (the lyrics to LL's new song, American Dream, start 'Met this little girl, she was off the hook I got cold chills when her body shook, hot sex on the platter no need to cook, I let her steal my heart like a horny crook' he is so nice to look at. Unfortunately he did not remove his shirt.

2. Also on Ellen they had this game. I think it's brilliant. I want to strap John and Barry into this device and replace the apples with beers.

3. I had a toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich for lunch. Does it get any better than that?

Take a moment to share your joy. It doesn't have to be anything as world changing as LL Cool J... anything that made you smile will do.

xo.

sex on fire

2008-09-26T04:14:00.000-07:00

dudes, i totally don't know what sex on fire means (sounds like an uncomfortable STD), but i'm completely obsessed with this new kings of leon song- sex on fire. have you heard it yet? do you love it too?

groceries

2008-09-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

i've always thought you could tell a lot about a person from what they were buying at the supermarket.

you can tell who has a million kids, who is a health nut, who eats lots of junk food, who's a vegetarian, who's going to bake something, who's having what for dinner, etc.

the woman in front of me at the supermarket was buying 4 bottles of wine and a hand held axe.

this is just wrong

2008-09-24T05:53:00.001-07:00

it's called a chip butty. it's a sandwich made from bread (usually white) and chips (french fries). it was originally considered a working class meal and it was served in pubs. now (because of it's extreme healthfulness) it's making a comeback.

this is so wrong i don't even have a desire to eat it, but for anyone who wants to try it, here's how to make one (from http://www.wikihow.com/):

Butter your bread. Make sure you have a good layer of butter on each slice of bread - Chip Butties are well known for being sopping with butter! Only real butter will do, no cheating with margarine.
Add the chips. Place a heaping layer of hot chips on your bread. Chips (called French Fries in the USA) are what give the Chip Butty its name. The chips should make up the main portion of the sandwich.
Add optional toppings. A chip butty should be enjoyed with a few dollops of ketchup or HP sauce, however you can add an extra surge of flavor by adding cheese, sliced meats, tomato, or your favorite sauces. Salt & pepper would not be out of place on a chip butty either.

i did it!

2008-09-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys- Well, I'm happy to say I finished the Dublin half-marathon today. It was the hottest, sunniest day since I've been here in Ireland! It was way too hot for running, but somehow I zipped my way through the 13 miles like a pink bolt of lightning.

I was so fast, it was illegal. This cop tried to give me a ticket for speeding but he couldn't catch me. See how he's trying? And see me? Zoooooooom! He could barely even make me out I was flying by so fast. (Aren't these new digital cameras amazing? They can capture a picture in a split second, like a bees wing in mid-buzz, or me, in mid-superfast sprint.)

After the cop on foot couldn't get me, he radioed the bike squad. But they couldn't get me either! After a pointless chase they just gave up.

PS. If I EVER try sign up to run a race that's more than 10 miles, please don't let me. It's torture.

i love geraldo

2008-09-19T04:20:00.002-07:00

only in ireland

2008-09-19T04:20:00.001-07:00

Some vending machines have candy in them. Some have soda. Some even have ice cream. And some vending machines have baseball cards.

But only in Ireland will you finding a vending machine full of goodies like umbrellas and rain capes.

it's that time again!

2008-09-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

It's that time again, kids! Time for the autumn term of adult education classes! There are lots of exciting NEW classes to choose from this autumn. Here are some of them:

Computers for over 55's. Monday 4:15-5:15. Why not read the newspapers on the internet, send messages (email) to your friends? €90.

Seems that somehow once you turn 55 you become retarded and need your own special computer class. What if I want to learn how to read newspapers on the internet? Well I guess I'm shit out of luck.
--

Belly Dancing (for ladies). How to move in mysterious ways. A fun way to lose weight and stay in good shape. Tuesday 9pm-10pm. €70.

For ladies? What if men want to learn to move in mysterious ways? Barry is going to be so upset that he can't learn to belly dance. Sexist, and totally not fair.
--

Reiki Tuesday 8:00pm-10pm. In this course you will be attuned to the frequency of this energy and your chakras or major energy centres are opened to facilitate the flow and enable you to channel this energy into yourself and others.€150.

Dude, if someone can tell me what this description means, I'll totally take this class.
--

Advanced Massage- Tuesday 8pm-10pm. Learn how to incorporate breath and energy work into your massage. We will also look at ways to work individual muscles. €110.

Incorporate breath into your massage? Does that mean you learn how to breath on people whole you're rubbing them? Gross. Look at ways to work individual muscles? Individual muscles, huh? which ones? Sounds dirty to me. I think "Advanced Massage" is a cover for "Happy Ending" massage.
--

Faking It. Thursday 8pm-10pm €110 Ever wonder how the stars look so good? This course is essential for every girl. Learn how to apply false lashes for day and dramatic look, Fake Tan without the streaks, Tooth Fairy for the bling look and all the stars' best kept secrets.

Seriously, that's what it says. Obviously the moron who is giving this course wrote the blurb. And didn't you know it's essential for every girl to know how to apply false lashes for day time? There are enough orange chicks walking around this country, let alone orange chicks with fake lashes and tooth fairy bling. What the hell is tooth fairy bling? Maybe i should take this course, it would make for an excellent blog post. Isn't ireland funny? ps. You know salma hayek is going to be SO pissed off when she hears they're giving away her secrets! pps. if you know what tooth fairy bling is, please tell me.
--

Introduction to Crystals. Thursday 8-10pm. Fee €110. Discover the unique healing qualitites of crystals and gemstones. Learn how to use them to heal yourself and your home. On completion, you will be able to Cleanse, Activate, Programme and Change them.

Change them? Is this going to show me how to turn a red crystal into a blue one? Or even better- turn a crystal into a beer? I want to learn how to cleanse, activate, program and change crystals.

Bridal Floristry. Thursday 7:30-9:30pm. €190. Intensive course covering aspects of bouquet design, floral accessories, ie. buttonholes, corsage, cake top, head-dress, etc. Limited places available.

Well, i'd better get my application in fast! I can't wait to design my own cake topper and bridal head-dress!

--

Traditional Upholstery. Thursday 8-10pm. €110. Deep buttoning. Hand stitching. Restore that old, moth eaten, dirty eyesore.

Dirty, moth eaten eyesore? That sure makes the class sound appealing. Even if I had a dirty moth eaten eyesore, I don't think I'd admit I did and lug it into class.
--

Learning the flute. Monday 8-10pm. €110. suitable for beginners or those with some experience.

hmmmm.

Cake Icing and Decorating. Monday 7:30-9:30pm. €110. Learn how to decorate that Christmas cake, wedding cake, or that special occassion cake.

Shit, I can decorate my wedding cake too! Thank goodness for adult education!

Just in case you're wondering, they are still offering some of last year's favorites.

I have a second chance to learn American Hip Hop & Indian Head Massage.

the loud breather

2008-09-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

I signed up for an 8 week yoga class. The first one was yesterday morning.

It was great... except for one thing. The really loud breather. This bitch sounds like an outboard engine.

I was trying to be one with myself, but kept being distracted by the large vacuum cleaner in the room. I know you're supposed to breathe deeply during yoga, but come on! Simmer down now!

Has anyone taken yoga before? Is this normal? She might end up with my revolving half moon foot in her face.

xo.

one size fits all- a poem

2008-09-09T12:29:00.001-07:00

my pants were too big
so i bought a belt at the store
to keep my ass hidden
and not look like a plumber, or whore

when i put the belt on
the ends did not reach
completely embarrassed
i let out a screech
this happens only to girls
who looks like whales on the beach

the tag on the belt
says one size fits all
causing my ego
to take quite a fall
i have to start shopping
at the plus-sized store in the mall

had i purchased a headband
or a buckle-able bracelet?
i'm just the largest shopper at penny's
i suppose i should face it

maybe i was accidentally shopping
in the child's section?
while consumed with worry
about november's election

condoms are one size-
but they fit an erection
this thought crossed my mind
for my ego's protection

i was so very hurt
by this belt's rejection
it must have been from
the midgets collection?

oh wait they're not midgets
little people, they're called
hope my littler readers
aren't appalled

so it's not just a few
but a whole of inches
before this belt fits
before this belt cinches

now i'm not saying
that i'm super small
but am i really too fat
for one size fits all?

the largest person in ireland
is a lot larger than i
should their pants not be belted?
their jeans not be held high?

i consider asking barry
if he has a belt to be lent
or if instead of cute jeans
i should be wearing a tent

one size fits all
can kiss my fat ass
i will be bearing my crack
with the utmost of class

the end.

boys will be boys

2008-09-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

ginger and mike, and myself and barry, went on a lovely, sophisticated night out while i was in new york. it was one of those times when you feel like a real grown up.

and then our grown up men found an errant shopping cart- and sophistication went to shit. ;)

barry hopped in the cart and mike was pushing him down the road before we even knew what was happening. there was just an orange bolt with arms and legs flying.

crickets

2008-09-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

this summer, my mother tried to convince me that by counting how many times a cricket chirped, you could tell the temperature. i did't believe her.... until i found this! (if somebody put it on a sign, then it MUST be true!)

happy birthday, mom!

2008-09-03T14:05:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to you, my wonderful mom! you are a sexy bitch! xoxoxo!

a love story

2008-09-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

i'm going to spare you all the super nauseating "i'm engaged" post.

instead, i will tell you a romantic story about "blarney" and "deirdre," two people who took their love to the next level on a hot summer's day.

--

it was warm and sunny. deirdre and blarney pranced happily through bear mountain state park when their eyes fell upon a gorgeous, shimmering lake. next to the lake was a magical oasis with a sign that read, "boat rentals."

they looked at each other giddily and said, " i love you so much, let's go celebrate our love in the middle of that shimmering lake!" (It was either that, or " what the hell?")

they boarded the two person love vessel and set out for uncharted waters. after a few minutes of squeaky pedaling, they looked behind them and hadn't moved at all. they had gotten the "special" boat, obviously because of how special their love was.

other couples were flying across the lake with what looked like little effort. they didn't have special boats like blarney and deirdre did.

blarney (who was wearing deirdre's extra sun glasses) asked some passersby for a tow.

then blarney quickly morphed into an alligator (or did the dance from thriller).

when deirdre and blarney realized they were on their own, they pedaled their hearts out, pedaled some more, and finally made it to the middle of the lake.

they were dripping in sweat and could hardly breathe. they both saw stars (of love).

then, moved by the romantic moment, blarney said to deirdre, " i love you, will you marry me?"

and deirdre said, " that's not funny.

and blarney looked at her.

and deirdre looked at him. then she said, "are you serious?"

and blarney looked at her.

and deirdre said, "are you serious?"

and blarney looked at her.

then blarney went for his pocket. and deirdre began to realize blarney wasn't joking. and deirdre thought to herself, shit, if this is really happening, maybe you could think of something more romantic to say then 'are you serious.'

so, gathering all her loving thoughts, and putting them together as eloquently as possible, deirdre said, "are you serious?"

then blarney took a beautiful diamond ring out of his pocket.

and deirdre knew he was serious.

then blarney said, "it's hard to get down on one knee, since i'm in a pedal boat, but i'll try." then he turned his body and did the best kneel he could.

and deirdre said yes.

it was a magical moment.

they tried to hug and kiss, but they bounced off each other's life jackets. then they took this picture. they were joyful despite the sweat and large, kiss-hindering water flotation devices.

the end. (well, actually, the beginning.)

i'm sad.

2008-09-01T03:43:00.001-07:00

it was just yesterday that i was feeding grass to my friends.

it was just yesterday, that one of my friends was happily scratching his head on the ass of another.

but today, my friends aren't there anymore. i found out that this morning, they got shipped off to the steak factory.

i'm very sad.

my ass

2008-08-09T04:57:00.001-07:00

All I have to say is, when I picked up the dress (the day before we were leaving for jillian's wedding) and tried it on, it looked PERFECT from the front. Unfortunately, my ass was hanging out of the back. You could see my underwear. Definitely not suitable for a church. The moral of the story is, never get your dress altered in Ireland. Ruined.

the dress

2008-08-06T04:36:00.001-07:00

I admit that I've been forced to chill significantly since moving to Ireland. Things are different here. They're slower, and I've had to adjust to that. But there is one thing about Ireland that I'm never going to get used to.

I dropped off a dress to be hemmed this past Saturday. Before giving her the dress, I explained to her that I would be going on "holiday" on Friday and I needed it by then. That's plenty of time, she said. She told me it would be ready on Wednesday. I said, that's great, so I can come on Wednesday and pick it up, and she said, YES, you can pick it up anytime on Wednesday.

Since today is, in fact, WEDNESDAY, I went over to pick up the dress. Not at 9am when the store opens, but at 12:30 in the afternoon. As soon as I got outside, the torrential downpour began, and my tiny Totes umbrella was no match for it. When I arrived, soaking wet, there was a sign on the door that said "back in 15 minutes."

At least 25 minutes later, the girl comes back and unlocks the door. I feel like telling her she's not pulling anything over on me, and instead of being a liar, why doesn't she just post a sign that says back in 30 minutes and then surprise me by being a few minutes early? This pisses me off immensely. If you say 15 minutes, then be BACK in 15 minutes! What is so hard about that? Already I've decided I'm never going to come here ever again. But see, that's the thing about this small town. If you need a dress hemmed, you don't have a whole lot of choices.

I hand her my ticket (that says Deirdre) and tell her I'm here to pick up a dress. Deirdre, that's another thing. Every time I order Chinese food or make a hotel reservation, they ask my name, and I said Deidre. They say, Aoefa? (this is an Irish name pronounced Eee-fa). And I say, no, it's Deidre. And they say Aoefa? And I say no, it's Deeeee-dra... And they say, ooohhh it's DIVA? And I say no, it's Deirdre. Ok, it's Deirdre.

So here I am with my ticket and she tells me, matter of factly, the dress is not there.

And I said, OK, but it's supposed to be here, the girl told me to come back on Wednesday, reminding her that today IS Wednesday!

Yes, she said, but it's not here. Come back tomorrow? I reminded myself that I was in Ireland and said, yup, sure, but if it could be here then that would be really great, because I need it.

So there you have it. I wasted 30 minutes picking up a dress that wasn't there. Barry says shit like this happens and I should get used to it, but I just can't! When people tell you something should be ready, it should be ready! When they tell you they'll be back in 15 minutes, they should!

All I remember, is every time I was in Hoboken picking up alterations or dry cleaning from our friendly neighborhood drycleaner, they were ALWAYS there when she said they would be.

What do you think? Do I have a point, or am I wound too tight?

I'm in love....

2008-07-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

if i could have gotten this gate open, i would have brought him home with me. i am IN LOVE with this little guy.

look at what liz did!

2008-06-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

hahaha, this is fantastic! thank you, liz!

the nicest things...

2008-06-18T02:56:00.000-07:00

i had a wonderful morning so far. i went to the gym and ran three miles. (that wasn't the nice part.) but while i was on the treadmill i met the cutest man named ray o'malley. ray turned 72 on sunday! he was walking on the treadmill while his wife was taking swim lessons in the pool below. we got to talking, and when i left, he said:

"Your boyfriend is lucky to have found such a lovely girl. it was very nice to meet you, dei(r)dre.

and then he said, "being beautiful is an accident but being nice isn't."

what a sweet compliment, right?!

then on my way to the locker room, i saw one of the trainers and he was asking how i was, and said i was running a half-marathon in september, and he said, "you seem like you're addicted running" which is probably the best thing i've ever heard. being addicted to something that's good for me is all i ever wanted.

and finally, on the way out, i cut through the roundabout. a truck driver was driving around in circles screaming to me from the window of his 18-wheeler. he wanted to know where naas was. i said i don't know. and then it sank in that he had said naas (sometimes it takes me a minute) and i flagged him back around the circle while yelling directions to him. by this time, there were 7 other cars in the roundabout and once he knew where to go he started beeping his horn and cheering at me... so i did a little hoppy dance around the roundabout.

and now, someone is here to take me to the loony bin.

but come on, what's cooler than when a truck driver beeps his horn at you? lol. ok, so it's the small things that make me happy. :)

i have a fun idea...

why doesn't everyone who is reading this post, tell me something nice that happened to them today. i'm serious. come on. everyone!

xo.

half-marathon here i come!

2008-06-17T03:09:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, I signed up for a half marathon in Dublin on Sept 20th! Anyone want to join me? After I ran the NYC marathon I said never again.... I thought part of the fun of running a marathon was to celebrate afterwards, but I was too banged up to move, let alone drink a beer. And I couldn't walk for weeks. So I think a half marathon will be much more fun. 13 miles is much better than 26 and hopefully I'll be able to celebrate a little! xo.

a tragic loss...

2008-06-16T05:50:00.001-07:00

I'm terribly saddened by the tragic news that I'm about to share.

Yesterday, Ernie's body was found floating in the Naas creek.

I had the unfortunate circumstance to be the one to find him and alert the authorities. Ernie and Bert had been vacationing in Ireland, but after 18 years of sobriety, the drink was just too appealing for Ernie. He fell off the muppet wagon and partied hard on Friday night. After the pubs closed, he went back to the hotel hoping for a drunken romp, but to his dismay he found Bert in bed with a leprechaun.

It seems this was too much for Ernie to bear, and in his intoxicated state, he took his own life.

Here, Bert, still evidently in shock and consumed with guilt, bids farewell to his friend and lover.

Ernie was loved by many and will be greatly missed.

I forgot to tell you about Eurovision

2008-06-12T08:27:00.001-07:00

Has anyone heard of Eurovision? It's a song contest that started in 1956, and it's like a HUGE deal in Europe. All the countries enter a song, and it takes place in a different city each year.

It's the kind of thing that everyone watches but nobody admits to watching.

Ireland won like 7 times since 1956 (because Irish people can write a damn good song). Well, in the past few years, the rules changed, and as my Irish friends have told me, "the whole thing turned into a feckin' circus." Some even go so far as to say "the rules were changed because Ireland kept winning."

Hmmmm.

So this year, Ireland entered a turkey in the contest.

:)

Check out Dustin The Turkey's performance here...

Do Irish people have a sick sense of humor or what?

Making Irish Babies = Making Money

2008-06-12T04:25:00.000-07:00

I still can't wrap my head around this...

The other day, I was talking to Barry about how older Irish people have millions of siblings, and how it must be hard to keep track of them all.

He then told me something shocking...Irish people get paid for their kids!

He said, when Ireland was really poor, why do you think so many people had a million kids?

Well, I thought it was because it's catholic Ireland and there was no contraception. He said, yeah that was part of it, but you also got an allowance from the government for each child. For real. AND he said this still exists! He said people go to the post office every month and pick up their kid allowance. This was too insane and I didn't believe him.

Well, you can imagine my suprise this morning when I was in the post office.. I overheard a woman at the window saying something about, "now this is for two children, right?" And the post office lady was giving her money! Oh my goodness Barry wasn't kidding!

I ran home to get more information.

Now get ready for this kids... I thought you might get like €20 per kid per month... Noooooooooo. Here are the amounts:

Child Benefit Monthly Rate
One child €166
Two children €332
Three children €535
Four children €738
Five children €941
Six children €1,144
Seven children €1,347
Eight children €1,550

This means, if you have eight children, the Irish government gives you almost €20,000 per year! And can I tell you something? Salary's aren't as high here as they are at home. When I got here, I interviewed for a job that paid €32,000. There's no such thing as making $200,000 here. What I'm saying is- that is a substantial amount of money. And for fuck's sake, bags of potatoes don't cost that much money.

But you do get kind of screwed if you have twins. "The rate of child benefit paid for twins will be 1.5 times the normal monthly rate for each child."

Seems twins aren't worth quite as much. Not only do they have to share birthdays and get called the wrong name for their youth, they also are considered 75% of a regular kid according to their child allowance.

However...." a special 'once-off' grant of €635 is paid on all multiple births. Further 'once-off' grants of €635 are paid when the children are 4 years of age and 12 years of age."

Isn't this insane?

Do we do this in America? Maybe it's similiar to claiming children as dependents on your taxes, but imagine going to the post office every month to pick up your kiddie money?

No wonder why the line at the goddamn post office is always so freaking long.

Daddy's Trip to Vegas

2008-06-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

My dad went to Vegas. He returned with nothing... except a giant gash on the top of his balding head. We thought it was from something cool, like getting into a bar fight, but it wasn't. It was from a hook in the handicap bathroom in the lobby at the Flamingo Hotel. He went down there to poop in the wee hours of the morning so as not to disturb his friends and stink up the room.

And he hit his head on the hook while standing up after taking a poop.

My father was very upset and embarrassed by this incident. He couldn't understand why there was a hook in the handicap bathroom. It's bad enough he lost all his money, but now this? Was somebody out to get him, he wondered, in an almost paranoid fashion...

My brother and mother thought this was the funniest thing in the world- and they decided to write a song about it. In my brother's words, this an epic tale turned into song that tells the story of Daddy's unfortunate trip to the handicap stall in the hotel bathroom in Vegas.

It is entitled "El Bagno en Sin City."

And here it is:

Very Steven Lynch-esque. I think it's hysterical, but maybe it's just because I know them. And I know my dad, who I'm sure doesn't find humor in this at all.

Now Taking Orders....

2008-06-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

Ireland is so much cooler than the US. They have things like this here.

Now, if you want to look a sperm while drying your hair, you can! Look how happy she is! She's all smiles! Her brain is cooking, but her hair will be dry without ever having to touch a blow dryer!

Can you imagine how hot this damn thing is? Can you imagine how sweaty you'd be? For some reason you can't see her makeup melting down her face... And it's not like it works fast or anything... but what it lacks in time-savings, it makes up for in convenience!

Obviously, it's convenient to look like an asshole while sweating your balls off for an extended period of time.

Let me think.... Would I rather wear this heat helmet for 3 hours, or use a blow dryer for 20 minutes?

They were talking about this on the radio yesterday, and the best part is, it's attached to a long cord and you can even do things like vacuum! I know just what I want to do while this plastic Q-tip hat is blowing hot air all over my head! I want to vacuum and make myself even hotter. The charm is, you can do anything with your time now that you're not using a blowdryer! You can chase after your kids, cook dinner, or do laundry! How about sit in a tub of ice?

Oh and PS, I hear this is a big turn-on for the boys. They love when you wear this around the house. Too bad it doesn't come with a car attachment so you can dry your hair on the way to work...

Anyhoo, just thought I'd share this great invention. I'm taking orders now. This torture chamber (i mean hair dryer) is a steal at just €19.99.

what's worse than 100 degrees?

2008-06-10T07:15:00.001-07:00

hi kids. i know you're probably all sweating and melting over there. well, it's 72 degrees here and the sky is blue and it's sunny. i can see the wicklow mountains in the distance and the cute little cows are drinking from the stream across the way.

i'm not writing this to rub it in... i'm writing it to make you feel better.

why would that make you feel better, you ask? well, as i sit here at my computer, the scent of cow shit permeates into my nostrils. it smells like i'm in a barn on a farm instead of in the kitchen. it smells like i'm wearing eau de farm. it smells like the neighbor is cooking cow shit casserole for dinner. it smells like a bouquet of cow shit. but it's not just shit, it's a shit-filled farm smell... occasionally this farm smell gets really noticeable, and the wind must be blowing in just the right direction today! lucky me!

so who wants to come visit?!

i try to tell myself this is just what ireland smells like, or so barry tells me, but it still makes me feel sick. as a matter of fact, i'm not hungry at all. i'll write a new diet book! smell shit all day and get skinny!

so, as you sit in your air conditioning, dreading the heat outside, know that i'm suffering too. xoxo.

why i need to join the gym.

2008-05-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

this is not ok, and it's not funny. i'm sorry that all i do is bitch and moan in my blog, but it's moments like these that i need to share!

i gained back the 4lbs i lost while visiting home where i ate every delicious food that i missed. i enjoyed every second of my chowing down on benny's pizza, leo's, dominick's, pita grill, mom's brownies, margaritas, tasti d-lite, and morningstar buffalo bites, and wouldn't change it, even if i did gain 4 lbs.

so what do i decide to do? go for a jog. i have to lose these 4lbs (plus a whole bunch more).

i even got a new visor to block the bugs from my eyes without making my head too hot. it's a cute adidas one. i think visors are cool, even if everyone i know made fun of me. remember bitches, this is not a fashion statement- it's battle gear.

i was only out for about 15 minutes. everything was fine. there were a few close bug encounters with the eyeballs, and one almost up the nose, but otherwise it wasn't so bad. i don't think i ate any.

then i got back to the house.

and i washed my hands.

and i looked in the mirror.

and there was something that didn't look like hair, right above my super-cool new visor.

i'm crying as i recount this. i'm obviously tired and emotional, but still. why can't i just go for a jog without these horrible little monsters bothering me. these bugs are ruining my fitness regimen AND my sanity.

i can't see the humor in it anymore.

i just can't seem to laugh at the huge 6 headed beast that was just taking a shit on my new visor, giving me blue nile virus, and building a nest inside my hair.

but just in case you CAN see the humor, i took his picture right before i drowned him in the toilet.

dear bugs,

you are little motherfuckers and i hate you.

for now, you win. i'm going across the street to check gym rates.

-deidre

i have to go take a shower before his wife (who i obviously haven't found yet but i KNOW is in there) starts laying eggs.

why america is better...

2008-05-08T03:14:00.000-07:00

america is better for lots of reasons, but in this particular post, america is better because we have screens on our windows and doors.

ireland does not.

this might not be something you'd even notice- until a bug is staring at you from the wall while you type on your computer... or until you realize you're in the shower with a bee...

there are no screens on doors or windows. i don't think this categorizes ireland as a third world country, but it's close. evidently irish people don't care about keeping the bugs out. and it's not just bugs. every few days a neighborhood cat will run in the door and go sleep upstairs on one of the beds. i happen to think this is funny, but what about when a snake, rat, or huge spider comes inside?

it's not like cool things- like sheep, monkeys, labradoodles, or Oscar De La Hoya come wandering in...

last year barry came home from a weekend trip to find a bird inside the house, and it was shitting everywhere. it had come down the chimney. seems the chimney doesn't have screens either.

what do you think? are we too obsessed in america with keeping critters out of the house? should i appreciate being one with irish nature?

i can almost deal with it when i'm outside. i've eaten more bugs than i care to think about... and the thing that grosses me out the most is not the bug body itself, it's whatever comes with the bug body... for example, what if that bug was just eating dog shit? but i digress, because that could easily turn into another extensive rant.... so, when i'm outside, i find that i'm often inhaling bugs or pulling their appendages out of my eyeball... but then i think about it from the bug's point of view... i'm buzzing around, trying to mate with that hot gnat on the other side of the cow, and some bitch comes along and eats me. i get mad at them for flying into my mouth and eyes (picture ethiopain kids from save the children) but at the same time, i am in their territory.

just as a side note, i want you to know that i try my hardest to prevent the gnats from flying into my mouth, but they are determined little fuckers- and that's the other thing that pisses me off! i'm trying- but are they?! are they even TRYING to avoid me? yesterday i went for a jog with a baseball hat AND sun glasses! and guess what? those little shits were flying into the 2mm space between the brim of my hat and the top of my glasses, then they were crawling down inside the glasses and trying to get in my eye! i've heard that little bugs like that only live for a day or two, and maybe they figure the should go out with a bang and get noticed.... little kamikaze suicide bombing fly motherfuckers.

my thoughts are... and you all know how much i love animals... if a flying insect comes inside and can't find it's way out through one of the open doors or windows within a few minutes, then it's pretty fucking stupid. i'm not saying i'm going to kill it, but if i try to usher it out the open door and it still won't go, what am i supposed to do? i know! eat it. why the fuck not... who needs chick peas for protein when you've got flying insects?

it's different, because in america, you see a fly that's trapped inside and it's buzzing around the window screen. it makes me feel bad because it knows how to get out- it just has the unfortunate circumstance of being stuck in a bad situation. it must have gotten lost and come in while a screen door was open. and we've all been lost before, or found ourselves somewhere and suddenly it wasn't so cool anymore, so how can we not sympathize? think stuck in the osprey at 1:30am, surrounded by drunk, sweaty 20 year olds while you suddenly realize that they guy in big orange cone isn't hot at all... he's old and orange... and all you want to do is leave! imagine the doors were locked and you couldn't get out?

that's how the screened in fly must feel.

but what about the un-screened in fly?

i'm having a moral dilemma. having the window and door open with no screen is almost like inviting the bugs to come inside. how can i kill them after i've invited them to come in?

but i feel like if i give them a fair chance to leave, and they don't, i might have no other choice! am i supposed to operate a bug farm from 55 alexandra park? i've been known to capture bugs and spiders in cups and free them- but am i supposed to catch every stupid gnat that comes inside and stares at me with it's big buggy eyes and planning it's attack on my eyeball? before you know it, i'll be wearing preotective head and eyewear inside too! my patience is waning. i'm being driven to commit bugslaughter.

maybe i just need to take on the relaxed irish mentality. i don't think other girls are spending this much time worrying about bugs. irish people just don't care. has america made me a control freak? barry went for a bike ride and when he got home, i asked him how many bugs he ate. he said three, just like he'd say nice day out there. this morning, barry had two bugbites and was scratching them. matter of factly he said yeah, there must be a bug in here. paranoid, i checked my body for bites, put on full length pants and a sweatshirt, and checked the ceiling and windows for the culprit. a while later, i felt something itchy on my forehead. yes, that's right- the little bastard said, fuck you bitch and took a giants munch out of my face. i'm losing it. i'm obsessed, and i don't know what to do. meanwhile, everyone else in ireland is just eating bugs and getting bug bites and inviting them to dinner and pulling them out of their asses and it doesn't even phase them.

what should i do?

xo.
Ida the insect keeper

blinded by the white

2008-05-08T03:04:00.000-07:00

the weather here has been just beautiful! did you ever think you'd hear me say that?

the downside of beautiful, warm weather is that the pasty white irish girls start taking their clothes off. they are everywhere and they're wearing shorts and tank tops and flip flops! arms, legs, feet, thighs and chests are bright white and they're everywhere! if i didn't have sunglasses on to protect my eyes, i might have been blinded. girls should need to pass a test before removing clothing. if their whiteness (or white-blueness) is too severe and could harm the population at large, naked privileges should be revoked. it's just not fair to the rest of us.

i was never a fan of fake tan, but all i can say now is, for some, fake tan is not an option, it's a necessity.

i remember this happening back home too- but it cannot compare.

is it illegal to take pictures of strangers and post them on my blog?

ginger and mike's visit

2008-05-02T06:33:00.001-07:00

ginger and mike had finally arrived! and barry and i couldn't wait to show them all the hottest tourist attractions in ireland... the things that truly make ireland special. and here they are:

and the one attraction that draws tourists from around the world...

then we found these "hi-vis" vests in the back of barry's car, and we thought we'd direct traffic into the pub's parking lot.

actually, ginger thought she'd direct traffic- i decided to cheerlead... it's a disease you never get rid of.

the next day we went horse riding. with the same type of suave moves as his human brethren, ginger's horse, carter, flirts with my horse, jill.

jill turns to me and says, do you see why i'm still single?

after carter stopped sniffing jill's ass- we got serious about our horse riding.

and i present you with the 2008 all-country irish equestrian team.

after horse riding, we thought we'd play some of ireland's favorite pastime. golf.

golf is VERY serious in ireland. you didn't think barry would let us on a real golf course, did you? instead, we joined 25 six year old's at a birthday party. here, barry is "coaching me" by saying, "the trick to this one, is to get the ball in the hole."

six year olds we getting hole in ones all around us. frustrated that the youngers were beating us, barry tried to trade me. when nobody took him up on the proposed trade, we thought we'd try something we could do better than the six year olds.

so barry took a pool table apart.

tired from the stress, i later fell asleep inside my beverage.

and, then, at the end of a long, exciting day, barry challenged ginger to a kung fu match.

and although barry looked more frightening, ginger was the one with better moves.

the end.

i need a hobby

2008-04-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking for a while that I need a hobby. The only hobbies I have involve eating and drinking. I see people riding bikes, fishing, running, playing soccer, riding horses, golfing, playing tennis, and I think it looks like so much fun. I just can't seem to find a hobby that works for me! I feel like I don't have the level of committment I need to maintain a hobby.... or maybe I just haven't found the right one yet.

The dictionary definition of hobby is as follows:

hobby: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation: Her hobbies include stamp-collecting and woodcarving.

I have no interest in woodcarving or stamp-collecting. but let's make a list of some other potential hobbies.

Painting: I did four paintings and now I can't be bothered to take the paints back out. It makes too much of a mess... and I usually just paint something horrible and then get mad at it.

Cooking: Would love to cook more, but it would just make me fatter.

Baking: same as above, BAD idea.

Juggling: Always thought juggling was cool. Looks easy enough. Barry can do it. I just tried with apples. Applesauce all over the kitchen... Juggling just turned into cleaning, which is NOT a fun hobby.

Gardening: Seems like a nice outdoor hobby. Decided to weed the front of the house. Got pricked by a mean weed, and saw snails, spiders, beatles, worms, and lots of other insects. Accidentally cut a worm in half. Bugs crawled on me. Plus, weeding is too hard. Some of the weeds didn't want to come out of the ground, and you know what, maybe they shouldn't have to.

Knitting: I've been knitting the same scarf for over a year. I knit and knit and knit, it's almost long enough to be a scarf, and then i see that in the third row there's an uneven space, and pull the whole thing out. Knitting is SO frustrating.

Guitar: I've been "playing" the guitar for years and I just don't seem to get any better.

Biking: Dangerous, but a potential hobby. Did it the other day. Ate at least 11 bugs, which is totally disgusting. Barry says I wouldn't be eating bugs if I kept my mouth shut- so maybe i'll give it another try.

Golf: This is next on my list. Haven't had much luck in the past, but i think i can be a good golfer if i really commit myself.

Are hobbies supposed to take practice, or are you just supposed to be good at them? And if something is frustrating- doesn't that take the fun out of it?

Does anybody have any good hobby suggestions?

xo.

back from california

2008-04-14T04:42:00.000-07:00

hi girls and boys- what a wonderful trip to california! fortunately the irish immigration people let me back into the country, and here i am back in ireland. unfortunately, i have the worst jet lag! i never actually believed in jet lag until now.

on the plane on the way back, i was supposed to be getting my night's sleep but instead was wide awake for 11 hours despite the sleeping pills while barry snoozed happily. i decided to watch a movie but couldn't figure out how where to plug in my earphones. i found one hole, but my earphones had two prongs. after 20 frustrating minutes of trying to find the plug in the dark, i started crying because i was SO tired, and too embarrassed to call the stuartess and ask her. what would i say? " hello stuartess, i'm an asshole... i got a full scholarship to college but can't figure out how to plug in my earphones."

barry woke up for a second and asked what was wrong. " i can't find the plug for my earphones," i said. making me feel like the biggest moron in the universe, he folds down one of the prongs on my headphones, and with one eye open, effortlessly plugs them into the lone hole. i wonder what is wrong with me for not thinking about doing this.

so, we arrive back in ireland.

coming through the front door, i am a complete zombie. all i want is to go upstairs and cuddle in bed with my pillow and sleep for 20 hours. so i painfully hobble up the stairs (i jumped out of a tree in big sur and almost broke my knee in half) and proceeded to fall into bed...

but wait, where is my pillow? all the other pillows are on the bed- but mine is missing...

those of you who have lived with me know how i feel about my pillow. for those of you who don't know- i LOVE my pillow. i always have the most comfy pillow and my pillowcase is always fresh and clean, and if it doesn't smell like laundry soap it smells like my shampoo. this particular pillow is a smooshy primaloft pillow that i brought with me from home. barry had to pry it from my hands when i tried to bring it to california with me. so i was gone from my pillow for two weeks, and i really missed it.

i've had an unhealthy obsession with my pillow since i was little. i guess some kids had blankies, and i had my pillow. (i've changed the pillow over the years of course, but it still provides me great comfort.) i know i'm over the top about my pillow, but can anyone relate? i was SO tired. all i wanted was bed and my comfy, smooshy pillow.

so, my pillow is missing. where on earth is my pillow?

then, as a fleeting thought, i recall the fact that john (our lovely housemate) had shoulder surgery while we were gone.

no, he couldn't have.

barry is in john's room saying hello, and i yell downstairs, "has anyone seen my pillow?" barry comes out and says no, and proceeds to try to help find my pillow. i say, "does john have my pillow?" and barry says nervously, "no, i don't think so- why would he have your pillow?" he goes back inside the world's dirtiest bedroom and emerges WITH MY PILLOW.

i couldn't do anything but cry. my pillow. MY CLEAN PILLOW was inside the room with the man who cooks sausage in tea kettles and only washes his sheets when they walk to the washing machine on their own.

john yells, " sorry deidre, i was just using it to prop up my arm."

i almost lose my will to live. he committed the worst sin of all. he touched my pillow. god knows what he did with it. my pillow is contaminated. my pillow, my one and only sacred thing, and he took it! there were EIGHT other pillows that he could have taken, but of course, he took MY PILLOW.

if i had more energy, i would have ripped off his arm and beat him to death with it- but i didn't have any fight in me. is nothing sacred? can i not just have ONE THING that isn't polluted? i thought messing with my coffee was bad, but this? this is just the most horrible thing ever.

i'd rather he borrowed my underwear or used my toothbrush... i'd rather drink from the dirty glasses he pretends to wash or eat the jar of mayonnaise he consistently leaves out on the counter overnight... anything but the pillow!

so then, just to really send myself off the deep end, i smell the pillow.

no laundry soap.... no shampoo. my pillow smells like DIRTY BOY. i have a tear in my eye as i relive this horror. i cry and cry and finally fall asleep on another pillow.
--
when i woke up my pillow was freshly washed and dried by barry (who is so sweet). he understood the severity of what had been done. but it's just not the same. i can scrub and scrub that tea kettle for years, but it still once had kielbasa sausage in it. i can wash and wash my pillow, but how can something that's been polluted in this manner ever be pure again?

it is a VERY sad day.

safety first

2008-03-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

i am impressed by the informational pamphlets that are available here in ireland. i found some extremely important information that is too often overlooked because we don't want to deal with the cold, hard, facts. well, it's time to face them. if the irish water safety board took the time to put this information together, the very least i can do is share it.

the pamphlet is called, 10 steps to water safety on the farm. let's see what we can learn:

--

tip #8- do not play near the edge of riverbanks- it can crumble away suddenly.

you can see from the picture that these three attractive irish youths were having an innocent picnic near the riverbank, and one got swept in. you can also see how alarmed his friends are, and how hard they are trying to save him. the girl continues to drink her bulmer's irish cider, seemingly annoyed that little shea o'toole has decided to ruin her good time by attempting to drown himself.

saving your friend with a sandwich? do you see the look on the face of the young man holding the sandwich? he is saying (with an irish accent), " come on, grab the sandwich, yeah right buddy, you i'm not actually going to let you get anywhere near this sandwich. but if i pretend like i'm trying to rescue you, i might have a chance with margaret over here. she's so hot. and of yeah, with you out of the picture, we each get out own cupcakes... sucker!"

so be careful kids and adults alike. don't picnic too close to the riverbank. and if i can add something else, which i think is a more prevalent lesson, it would be, choose your friends a little more carefully next time.

tip #7- you cannot tell how deep a hole is if it's water filled.

i always hate it when the giraffes (that are roaming the hills of ireland) get stuck in a puddle on my farm.

tip #3- reeds and grass often obscure the edge of the pond.

you may think you know where the edge of the pond is- but you don't. thankfully this duck is mowing the reeds away. notice the irish farmer in the background with his scythe. doesn't he care that his duck is using a lawn mower? and if they have lawn mowers on the farm, why is he still using a scythe? a duck that can mow the lawn? this could be the hottest thing in ireland since color tv.

--

tip #1- farm ponds are often out of view of the house, so always have an adult with you when you are feeding the ducks or playing.

are those the ducks who were just mowing the grass? if they can operate a lawn mower, don't you think they'd rather drive to the nearest chinese restaurant than eat bread crumbs? and oh yeah, if you're going to have an adult with you... do you think the town drunk/child molester is really the way to go.

tip #2- farm slurry pits are not solid enough to stand on. you would quickly sink in.

do you know what slurry is? slurry: mixture of animal waste and water used as fertilizer. it's shit. animal shit, and water. why would anyone go close enough to stand on it. i mean really. "hey sinead, i have a fun idea, let's go try to stand on the slurry pit!" screw water safety...this pamphlet should be called, how not to be an absolute fucking moron on the farm.

tip #4- the banks of a pond may give way under your weight.

what is this trying to tell me? that this little red head is heavier than the cow? poor little mickey o'darcy is just trying to catch some fish, and now this cow is trying to use his as an outboard motor.

tip #6- keep away from uncovered water barrels.

keep away from uncovered water barrels in case there is a shark inside. ok, first of all- how did the shark get there? did it swim from the irish sea? i don't think so. did a seagull pick up a baby shark and fly it to the barrel and it grew there? maybe.

second, why does this kid have a bucket. don't tell me he's going to get drinking water out of that disgusting trash covered barrel that collects the water from the gutters. i'm certainly not going to their house for dinner.

and third, what is the shark going to do? he's inside the barrel. and again, if this little dumbass sees what is obviously a shark fin and still climbs inside the barrel, then he deserves to get eaten by the shark. i don't even think the other pamphlet, how not to be an absolute fucking dumbass on the farm would help him.

ps. note to mom... if this is what irish kids look like, you can forget about ever getting any grandkids. if this is what irish kids look like, i don't think my italian genes will be enough to counteract the ugly stick and save them.

how many tractors are in this town?

2008-03-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

since i'm in ireland, i thought it was a great idea to go to the paddy's day parade in town. well what a parade it was! how lucky i was to be in ireland for saint patrick's day. i have to tell you, i've seen the new york city parade and though it's impressive, it doesn't hold a candle to the clane parade. i mean this was the real deal. a real, authentically irish saint patrick's day parade, and i even took some pictures to share with all of you.

as you can see, the north west kildare ploughing association is in full attendance at the parade. somewhere back in 2004 everyone was just ploughing and ploughing, and many of the people who were ploughing began to feel lonely, out there on their tractors all by themselves. so they started a ploughing association. they even made this impressive banner. here are some of the members, who have tastefully decorated their machines.

after the ploughing association had passed, i learned that tractors are not only used for ploughing. no, no, no. they can also be turned into floats for parades, as craftily shown here.

then elvis showed up. and these guys mustn't have had a tractor. they had a whole new take on how to make a float.

i just couldn't understand if it was halloween or saint patrick's day. why is everyone dressed up as clowns wearing hula skirts. at least this guy is wearing a leprechaun hat.

now i'm totally lost. next in line is a chinese dragon and some people dressed like monks.

and obviously, no paddy's day parade is complete without a viking ship.

or a yellow camaro.

and thankfully the allenwood honda club showed up! they didn't have a professionally made sign like the ploughing association, but they did make a nice one by hand.

here's a close up of their fierce bikes.

and then there were these guys. i actually broke up with barry and now i live with the one pushing the wheelbarrow. he's a bog cutter.

now, you know how if i had a pick-up truck and i wanted to cover the back part? i'd get myself a cab for my pick-up truck. so here in ireland if you have a tractor, and you want to cover the top, you get a tractor cab. here's a float with three tractor cabs on it.

and just as every good parade saves the best for last...

human trafficking

2008-03-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

i saw this poster in the immigration bureau. what an ususual poster!

i thought i was the only one involved in a human trafficking ring.

i am a victim. i'm afraid.

but thank goodness for this poster. my call is free, anonymous and safe. i was embarrassed to tell all of you what was going on here, but now that i saw this poster, i know i'm not alone.

a drenched illegal immigrant

2008-03-16T07:10:00.001-07:00

i was going to dublin to register at the immigration bureau in dublin. i was walking down the street to the bus stop. it has just stopped pouring rain. i had just put down the i love new york umbrella (from ginger) and all of a sudden, a truck drives into a huge puddle and a waterfall pours over my head and drenches me. has this happened to any of you? as i wiped the water out of my eyes and rung out my hair, i couldn't help but wonder if the truck driver did it on purpose. all the other vehicles went out of their way to avoid the puddle, but this truck went right for it.

later, after waiting for over an hour at the immigration office, i finally got called up to the counter.

"sorry, but we can't register you here since you live in clane. you have to go to your local guarda (police) station."

then, all i wanted to do was go into the bathroom and shoot heroin, but they have those damn blue lights that don't let you find a vein! argh.

when we got home we called the local guarda station. i'll be lucky if i can get an appoinment in the next year or so.

the only girl in the pub

2008-03-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

barry took friday off and we went to watch the cheltenham races (at manzor's of course). i was the only girl in the pub for most of the day. (which i loved.) there was a young boy collecting bets and running back and forth to the bookie 5 minutes before each race. so all we had to do was sit there, drink, and pick our horses. now that's a good way to spend a friday. after vodka and tomato juice #3 (the closest i could get to a bloody mary), all i could think was- if i robbed the kid while he was running across the street to the bookie i'd get a shitload of money. i could have totally taken him. i'm strong and tough. especially when i have vodka muscles. as a matter of fact, later that evening i beat john in a left handed arm wrestle. fair and square. he told me i was the heartiest bitch he ever met. i'm a brut. xo.

why you shouldn't let me handle your travel plans...

2008-03-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

we're going to california at the end of march.

yesterday, barry and i decided to book some accommodations for the trip.

barry said he'd research places to stay in san fran, and i decided to look for rooms in san diego. 20 minutes later, barry shows me a beautiful 4-star hotel in the perfect area, and he got a really good deal!

then there's me. i found hotwire.com. hotwire offers the lowest rates on the internet, guaranteed! what's the catch? you have to book a hotel without knowing which hotel it is.

why, you ask? here's the answer from hotwire.com:

A: If we allow our partners to anonymously give you rates, they will offer their lowest available prices for hotel rooms. If the street location is not shown until after you book, our partners are assured their anonymity. This can result in prices that are significantly below published room rates that you might see with a travel agent or another travel site. The hotels we work with are willing to let you in on these great deals directly through Hotwire. (Please note that all Hotwire bookings are final and cannot be refunded, changed, exchanged or transferred; change fees are not an option.)

most people would run. not me- i think this is a great idea. hotels are pricey and imagine how much we will save?

i try to convince barry that this is a good idea. he says , "it's stupid to book a hotel without knowing what it is."

i say, "well, i'm sure that i know exactly which hotel this is. i'll show you what a bargain we're going to get!"

so i picked 3 star hotel in hotel circle, san diego, and i'm pretty sure it's either a ramada or a holiday inn express. i'm going to be getting the same hotel for way less because i'm using hotwire! we're staying for two nights and it will be a savings of at least $70.

barry is holding his breath while i click the box that says,
" i understand that once i make this purchase, there will be absolutely no changes or refunds."

then i receive a confirmation saying the name of the hotel.

it is NOT any of the hotels i thought it might be. as it turns out, hotwire uses a broad geographic range. so it said hotel circle, but really, it's not in hotel circle at all. it's in the GHETTO.

let's look at some trip advisor reviews about the hotel i got a real bargain on:

"this is the worst hotel we have ever stayed in. We have stayed at many a Motel 6 that puts this place to shame. Bums and prostitutes on the street. If you value your car you don't bring it to the hotel."

" Cockroaches in room, three barrels of what was labeled non-hazardous waste outside my room, a police bust in the hotel room next to me at 3:30 a.m. for what I presume was drugs."

"Unfortunately the room we were in had a busted door and we were locked in. We had to climb through a window."

"My first impression came from the two drunks passed out on the front steps, my next sight was the obese prositute hanging out in the lobby asking all passerby if they wanted some "company".

"I was using the bathroom in the middle of the night, and discovered a light coming from behind the bathroom mirror. Looking closely, there was a room behind the mirror, and someone had left the light on in there."

and that's just a small sampling.

what did i learn from this experience? that i'm a complete moron. that you get what you pay for. and that it's really stupid to book a hotel without knowing which hotel it is. i guess i learned a valuable life lesson, and it only cost me $79 a night plus taxes.

xo.
-travel agent tina

my new friend

2008-03-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

i painted myself a friend today. (we did portraits in painting class.) what should i name her?